Why So Serious?
by Darkmoonphase
Summary: Pein: Why do you have a camera, Sasori? Sasori: Documenting my life. Maybe I can sue you all for abuse… Konan: Yeah, okay. Good luck with that. Sasori: -taps the side of the camera- Evidence… Deidara: That's not fair, yeah! Sasori: ...
1. The Intro

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto...**

**--  
**

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Introduction**

"_**Remember…No happy endings and all that stupid stuff that's wasted on us," Darkmoonphase reminds Deidara. **_

"_**I know! If you don't trust me, why don't you get someone else to do this, yeah?" Deidara asks.**_

"_**Because I don't want to waste any money on stupid readers who don't read what I write! So start the damn story before I fire you too!" **_

"_**That'd be a dream, yeah! Wait…You pay them but not me? You bitch, yeah!" **_

"_**Well, you haven't exactly done anything to make me want to pay you!"**_

"_**Well…Be that way then, yeah!"**_

"_**I WILL! Now, READ!"**_

"_**Okay, okay! God…"**_

**Okay, to start, I must warn you: This has no happy ending. So if you're looking for a wonderful love story with a great happy ending, go look somewhere else because you're not going to find that here. Sure, there's a bit of romance – but it's a bit…well, let's say, violent. And of course, there will be moments where it looks like there's a damsel in distress, and a little thing that looks like a Romeo and Juliet…thing – but the damsel part will be because of Romeo's brother and Romeo's brother might get the happy ending instead of Romeo and Juliet might stay in that tower for the rest of her damn life because the wicked step-mother won't let her out; only the wicked step-mother is actually the princess's sister who just has it out for her and said sister might get a happy ending with the prince instead. Hey, I'm a prince! Anyway. This is just a little bit of what might happen. Like I said before, no happy ending. So, while you may **_**think**_** that Romeo's brother will get Juliet who is locked in a tower as a princess who marries the prince, you're wrong. They'll probably all get stuck in a mental institute. That's just how it works around here. **

**And if you got any of that, I'll call you amazing and take you to the crazy house because that wasn't supposed to make sense! Everything is just really random and it kind of makes up this one big story that **_**might**_** fit together somehow. But I wouldn't bet on that. If you're looking for a story that has a lot of adventure, messed up humor, violent couples that hit each other all the time, sorrow, drama, freakish-ness, friendship, betrayal, love, and more betrayal – well, my friend, you've come to the right place! So sit back, open the web-page or book-page (however you're reading this; although I doubt this will make it to a book), and don't put the bookmark in or minimize this because this is going to be a fantastic story you don't want to miss! **

"_**Wow. Maybe I should pay you…"**_

"_**Well…Yeah."**_

"_**$10."**_

"_**$60."**_

"_**$20."**_

"_**$50."**_

"_**$30."**_

"_**$40?"**_

"_**You're pushing your luck with $30, boy."**_

"_**Okay. It's better than nothing, yeah. I'll take it."**_

"_**Here. It's your paycheck for the whole time I make you read stuff."**_

"_**I thought we were talking for the hours, yeah!"**_

"_**Are you kidding me? By that time, I'd be broke!!"**_

"…"

_**--**_

_**A/N: ...Yeah, it's the start of something randomly stupid. The only OOCs that will be in here are me, my little sis and my bff. No one else. Enjoy the Halloween Special! (going to be up momentarily...)**_

_**Please review...  
**_


	2. DMP's Idea of Fun PT 1

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. **

**DMP's Idea of Fun (PT 1)**

DMP: Welcome…To my haunted house.

hyper: We're…we're in a haunted house??

DMP: Yeppers. I like haunted houses.

Sasori: But you keep saying that you hate them!

DMP: I changed my mind.

Deidara: Ugh!

DMP: Besides, I know most of what's going to happen.

Pein: Most?

Konan: Don't make her speak more than she has to. Please…

DMP: -glare-

Konan: -glare-

hyper: Why a haunted house?

DMP: Because it's close enough to Halloween that I can start writing "scary" stuff.

Tobi: But…But…

hyper: Shut up, Tobi.

Tobi: Yes, hyper -senpai…

Deidara: I'm your senpai, yeah!

Tobi: hyper -senpai bought Tobi. He has to obey her.

Deidara: hyper, I'm your boyfriend, yeah. Why do you need an annoying slave?

hyper: 'Cause he wouldn't shut up until I made him my slave…

DMP: Bats.

Zetsu: Don't you mean _brats_?

DMP: No. I mean, there are bats flying at you.

Everyone but her: -scream and ducks-

DMP: -holds one arm out and several bats attach to it and hang upside down-

Hidan: Dude…You're like the bat tamer…

DMP: No, I just don't scare them and they don't scare me. -bats detach and start swarming her as she spreads her arms out wide; suddenly looking really gothic- They like me.

Sasori: HOLY CRAP!

hyper: This haunted house is already scary…

Hidan: Kakuzu? He's gone…

DMP: Look up.

Everyone: -looks up to see him dangling from the ceiling, every part of him (except his head) is covered in spider webs and there's a giant spider crawling towards him-

Hidan: -scream-

Kakuzu: HELP!!!

Spider: There's no help for you. -starts sucking his fluids-

Hidan: -screams again and passes out-

hyper: DMP! Are you going to just let him die?! …DMP?

Pein: Where'd she go?

DMP: Behind you. And, yes. He deserves to die.

Sasori: Are you out of your mind?!

hyper: -suddenly screams- GHOSTS!!!!!

Deidara: HOLY FUCK!

Hidan: -from the ground, sees Kakuzu's corpse and screams- What's going to happen to us?

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_


	3. DMP'S Idea of Fun PT 2

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: Me no own Naruto...**

**--  
**

**DMP's Idea of Fun (PT2)**

_Previously:_

_DMP: Welcome…To my haunted house._

_hyper__: We're…we're in a haunted house??_

_DMP: Besides, I know most of what's going to happen._

_Pein: Most?_

_hyper__: Why a haunted house?_

_DMP: Because it's close enough to Halloween that I can start writing "scary" stuff_

_Hidan: Dude…You're like the bat tamer…_

_DMP: No, I just don't scare them and they don't scare me. -bats detach and start swarming her as she spreads her arms out wide; suddenly looking really gothic- They like me._

_Sasori: HOLY CRAP!_

_hyper__: This haunted house is already scary…_

_Hidan: Kakuzu? He's gone…_

_Everyone: -looks up to see him dangling from the ceiling, every part of him (except his head) is covered in spider webs and there's a giant spider crawling towards him-_

_Hidan: -scream-_

_Kakuzu: HELP!!!_

_Spider: There's no help for you. -starts sucking his fluids-_

_hyper__: DMP! Are you going to just let him die?! …DMP?_

_Pein: Where'd she go?_

_DMP: Behind you. And, yes. He deserves to die._

_Sasori: Are you out of your mind?!_

_hype_r_: -suddenly screams- GHOSTS!!!!!_

_Hidan: -from the ground, sees Kakuzu's corpse and screams- What's going to happen to us?_

_--  
_

Ghost #1: BOO!

Ghost #2: No, like this: YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -floats through hyper who screams-

Ghost #1: Oh, I get it. YAHAHAHAHAHA!!! -floats through Pein who screams and pisses himself-

Konan: I'm not having fun!

Sasori: Come back to the good side, DMP! Get us out of here!

Orochimaru: She belongs to me now…-curls around her and presses his face close to her neck-

DMP: -staring at them with blank expression-

Sasori: Orochimaru…You bastard!

Deidara: Be careful, Sasori no Danna. You don't want him mad – remember last time, yeah!

--

Memory:

Sasori: Orochimaru? Were you touching my puppets again?

Orochimaru: Why are you blaming me? Why is it always me, 'Sori?!

Sasori: Because you're my partner and always around.

Orochimaru: That's not fair! -throws kunai knives at him- Take that!

Sasori: Oh shit. -looks down at not-yet-preserved-bleeding body- You suck ass.

Orochimaru: What're you going to do about it? I'm going to quit the Akatsuki and become better than you all!

Sasori: Be that way. You quit and we're through.

Orochimaru: Fine. I never loved you anyway.

Sasori: -le gaspeth!- BASTARD!

Orochimaru: -sends giant snake to eat the base- HOTWHEELS! _BEAT THAT_!

--

Sasori: Like I could forget…

Orochimaru: It's time to pay, Akatsuki. And I'm taking DMP to be my _oh so_ loyal servant. And there's nothing you can do about it!

hyper: LET MY SISTER GO, MICHAEL JACKSON WANNABE!

Orochimaru: Who?

hyper: He doesn't know who Michael Jackson is?

Sasori: _I _don't know who he is.

hyper: Oh, well then that was a waste of breath.

Deidara: Basically.

Orochimaru: Anyway?

Sasori: Right. Why DMP?

Orochimaru: She really is a pretty thing…And she was so _willing _to come to the darkside…

hyper: Did you have cookies?

Orochimaru: _Chocolate chip_ cookies.

Sasori: That's cheating!

Orochimaru: That was only part of her temptation. She wanted so badly to be dark.

Sasori: That's not true…

Orochimaru: Oh it was. And you were part of her reason to leave the good side!

Sasori: What?!

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_


	4. DMP'S Idea of Fun PT 3

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**--  
**

**DMP's Idea of Fun (PT 3)**

_Previously:_

_Konan: I'm not having fun!_

_Sasori: Come back to the good side, DMP! Get us out of here!_

_Orochimaru: She belongs to me now…-curls around her and presses his face close to her neck-_

_DMP: -staring at them with blank expression- _

_Sasori: Orochimaru…You bastard!_

_Orochimaru: It's time to pay, Akatsuki. And I'm taking DMP to be my oh so loyal servant. And there's nothing you can do about it!_

_Sasori: Right. Why DMP?_

_Orochimaru: She really is a pretty thing…And she was so willing to come to the darkside…_

_Orochimaru: That was only part of her temptation. She wanted so badly to be dark._

_Sasori: That's not true…_

_Orochimaru: Oh it was. And you were part of her reason to leave the good side!_

_Sasori: What?!_

_--  
_

Zetsu: Don't mess with him like that. You're just mad because he moved on and started dating DMP!

Orochimaru: …You're dating her? Wow. You're bi?

Sasori: -blushes- I…I meant to tell you.

Orochimaru: It changes nothing!

DMP: -mouthing- Help me.

Deidara: Is she fully brainwashed yet, yeah?

Orochimaru: I never brainwash my victims. They come to acknowledge that I'm their master and they'll do virtually anything for me.

Sasori: Well…I'll change her mind!

Orochimaru: Not if I can help it! Zombies! Mummies! Attack!

Everyone: HOLY SHIT!

DMP: Please, don't kill them. You'll like me more if I'm happy…er…

Sasori: -looks desperately at her-

Orochimaru: My dear, I was never intending to kill them – just mummify and zombify them!

DMP: NO! -kisses him-

Everyone: -jaw drops-

Mummies and zombies: -freeze-

Orochimaru: NOOOOOOOO!!! I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING! -turns to a puddle of yuck-

DMP: I warned him.

Kabuto: Master…I'm too late. I'm sorry. -pulls out broom and flies through a window into the night-

Konan: I never thought…

DMP: I did…

Sasori: You saved us!

DMP: At a cost.

Sasori: Huh?

Kakashi in ghost form: Come, my new wife.

Deidara: You have got to be kidding me, yeah.

Sasori: What? Why?

DMP: It's all to save you. -takes ghost Kakashi's hand and turns ghost-like-

Sasori: No…

hyper: Did you plan any of this?

DMP: No. They took over the story.

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_


	5. DMP's Idea of Fun PT 4

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**--  
**

**DMP's Idea of Fun (PT 4)**

**--  
**

_Previously:_

_Orochimaru: It changes nothing!_

_DMP: -mouthing- Help me._

_Orochimaru: I never brainwash my victims. They come to acknowledge that I'm their master and they'll do virtually anything for me._

_Sasori: Well…I'll change her mind!_

_Orochimaru: Not if I can help it! Zombies! Mummies! Attack!_

_DMP: Please, don't kill them. You'll like me more if I'm happy…er…_

_Orochimaru: My dear, I was never intending to kill them – just mummify and zombify them!_

_DMP: NO! -kisses him-_

_Kabuto: Master…I'm too late. I'm sorry. -pulls out broom and flies through a window into the night-_

_Sasori: You saved us!_

_DMP: At a cost._

_Sasori: Huh?_

_Kakashi in ghost form: Come, my new wife._

_hyper__: Did you plan any of this?_

_DMP: No. They took over the story._

_--  
_

Tobi: Who did?

DMP: The villains. If you want to save me, you have to find them and destroy them.

Zetsu: Hidan! We get to kill shit!

Hidan: It's not going to be the same without Kakuzu…

Tobi: Tobi'll avenge Kakuzu for you, Hidan.

Hidan: Really?

Tobi: Really.

DMP: -kisses Sasori- Until you destroy them…

Sasori: Until I destroy them…

Kakashi: Come. We have much to consider. -poofs away with DMP-

Konan: Damn. Can this get any more dramatic?

Sasori: Probably.

--

Pein: Do we turn left into Vampire's Coffin or right into The Mummy's Pyramid?

Konan: Left. It says so right there.

Pein: It's not even in red and this stuff is important so it should be in red!

Konan: When we get out of here, you can redraw and rewrite the map and you can put the directions in red.

Pein: I will.

Sasori: There's a villain in Vampire's Coffin?

Zetsu: It says so right here.

Sasori: Okay. Then in we go. -walks in-

Sasuke: Bleh! I vant to suck your blood!

Itachi: HOLY SHIT!! -screams and cowers behind Kisame-

Sasuke: Vhy do you vant to enter?

Sasori: Are you the villain in Vampire's Coffin?

Sasuke: Vere are lots of us.

Sasori: Lots…of you?

Sasuke: -steps aside to show them Naruto, Sakura, Ino, and Neji- Lots of us…

Itachi: And I will kill you all! -pulls out dagger-

Sasuke: Vahahahaha! You think you can kill us vith that?

Itachi: No. This is just the distraction.

Ino: So vhat is de real veapon of choice?

Itachi: This. -pulls out a wooden dagger-

Sasuke, Ino, Sasuke, Neji and Naruto: -le gaspeth!-

Itachi: -about to charge-

Kisame: -grabs his arm- Wait. You don't have to do this!

Itachi: Yes I do. For DMP and Sasori.

Kisame: Then I'll help. -pulls out a wooden dagger-

Sasori: You don't have to do this for us.

Itachi and Kisame: Yes we do. -attacks Sasuke and Naruto-

Everyone else: -runs through the Vampire's Coffin-

Itachi: -stabs Naruto in the back, pulls out another wooden dagger and stabs Sakura at the same time-

Kisame: -pulls out another dagger and stabs Sasuke and Neji-

Itachi: -pulls one out and stabs Ino; Sakura wobbles to her feet and stabs him in the back-

Sakura: Take that, Vampire Slayer!

Itachi: Ugh! -falls forward, ripping through Ino-

Kisame: Itachi! No! -gets distracted and Neji stabs him in the chest before falling over-

Itachi: Did we kill them?

Kisame: I'm pretty sure we did.

Itachi: Good. Then that eliminates a few villains. I hope they can take down the rest.

Kisame: I know they can.

Itachi: Kisame?

Kisame: Huh?

Itachi: I could never say this enough…but, I love you.

Kisame: I love you too. -grabs Itachi's hand-

Naruto: Can we all die vithout you making us sick?

Itachi: Shut up and die already.

--

Tobi: -facing off with giant Spider- Tobi'll avenge Kakuzu. He swore it.

Hidan: Don't die…

Spider: You're very brave, but this can't end peacefully.

Tobi: Tobi'll give his life to destroy you, monster!

Spider: How rude! -spits web at him-

Tobi: -dodges, flips onto her back and shoves a knife into her-

Spider: -screams- GET OFF! GET OFF! -suddenly poops out eggs-

Tobi: What?!

Spider: I told you this wouldn't end peacefully!

Hidan: NO!

Littler spider: -pops out of egg and turns to Tobi; wearing Kakuzu's face-

Tobi: -scream- DIE! -starts hacking at it and its fellow un-hatched eggs-

Hidan: LOOK OUT, TOBI!

Tobi: -spins to see the giant spider getting ready to step on him; her leg goes right through his head and drills through his body; as the spider drops, its leg comes out and Tobi falls over-

Hidan: No! Tobi! -holds head- Not again…

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_


	6. DMP's Idea of Fun PT 5

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**--  
**

DMP's Idea of Fun (PT 5)

_Previously:_

_DMP: The villains. If you want to save me, you have to find them and destroy them._

_Tobi: Tobi'll avenge Kakuzu for you, Hidan._

_Hidan: Really?_

_Tobi: Really._

_DMP: -kisses Sasori- Until you destroy them…_

_Sasori: Until I destroy them…_

_Kakashi: Come. We have much to consider. -poofs away with DMP-_

_Itachi: -about to charge-_

_Kisame: -grabs his arm- Wait. You don't have to do this!_

_Itachi: Yes I do. For DMP and Sasori._

_Kisame: Then I'll help. -pulls out a wooden dagger- _

_Sasori: You don't have to do this for us._

_Itachi and Kisame: Yes we do. -attacks Sasuke and Naruto-_

_Itachi: Did we kill them?_

_Kisame: I'm pretty sure we did._

_Itachi: Good. Then that eliminates a few villains. I hope they can take down the rest._

_Kisame: I know they can._

_Itachi: Kisame?_

_Kisame: Huh?_

_Itachi: I could never say this enough…but, I love you._

_Kisame: I love you too. -grabs Itachi's hand-_

_Spider: You're very brave, but this can't end peacefully._

_Tobi: Tobi'll give his life to destroy you, monster!_

_Hidan: LOOK OUT, TOBI!_

_Tobi: -spins to see the giant spider getting ready to step on him; her leg goes right through his head and drills through his body; as the spider drops, its leg comes out and Tobi falls over-_

_Hidan: No! Tobi! -holds head- Not again…_

_--  
_

Sasori: How many more villains are there?

Pein: Two. And then it'll all be over.

Sasori: And then I'll have DMP again…

Mummified Shikamaru: You totally passed me!

Sasori: Is he on the list of villains?

Konan: No…Wait, yes. At the bottom. Why didn't DMP put them in order?

Mummified Shikamaru: I'm at the bottom?!

Pein: Yep.

Zetsu: This'll be easy. You guys go on ahead. I'll catch up…

Sasori: Do you need help?

Zetsu: I'll be fine. Go. You have another villain to kill before you can hold DMP again. Kill them.

Sasori: -hesitates- Be careful. -runs off with others following-

Zetsu: -nods before pulling a sword and hacking off the mummy's hand-

Mummified Shikamaru: HAHAHAHA! -beetles start crawling out of wrist-

Zetsu: What the--?! -hacks off its head- Die already!

Mummified Shikamaru: How do you kill the dead?

Zetsu: -staring at the beetles that are advancing on him in horror- I have no idea…

Mummified Shikamaru: Then you'll never kill me.

Zetsu: Wait…-grabs one end of the bandages on the mummy-

Mummified Shikamaru: Don't pull on that! I'll go poof!

Zetsu: That's exactly what I want! -pulls on bandage until it's all unraveled; stares at a pile of dust and beetles and then opens mouth in horror; a beetle bites the underside of his wrist and he falls forward; the beetles all swarm him, slowly eating him alive until he's nothing but bones-

--

Pein: Where's Zetsu? He should have caught up with us already…

Deidara: Maybe it was stronger than he thought, yeah…

hyper: No! Zetsu's awesome! He wouldn't let some stupid mummy kill him.

Sasori: Please stop. You're making me feel really guilty.

Konan: What do you mean?

Sasori: He's dead. I know it. And I feel really bad about it.

Deidara: Does that mean the others are dead too, yeah?

Sasori: Probably.

Pein: You knew it would happen and you let them go anyway?!

Sasori: Everything comes with a cost!

hyper: You're so selfish!

Sasori: Your sister's with that ghost – and who knows what he's doing to her right now! Can you really tell me that you don't care about her?

hyper: I care, but I don't think I care enough to let all my friends die!

Pein: You're insane! -shoves map into his hands- Find her yourself. I quit.

Sasori: -gasps- How…How could you?

Konan: The cost isn't worth it for us. -she and Pein walk off and promptly get killed by two swords that fall after they set off a trap-

Sasori: They'll continue to kill everyone if we don't save DMP. Just one more monster, are you guys with me?

Deidara: Are we gunna get killed too, yeah?

Sasori: I don't know.

hyper: We'll see…

Hidan: Guys! -running up to them- Tobi's dead!

Sasori: So is Zetsu, so it's alright.

Hidan: -stops and stares at him- What?

hyper: There's only one villain left. Are you in?

Hidan: I guess…Maybe there's a chance that I'll die so I can be with Kakuzu again…

Deidara: You guys will have a blast in hell, yeah.

Hidan: Ha-ha. Let's go.

Sasori: Thanks, all of you.

hyper: At least I'll die with some pride. -steps around Pein and Konan's bloody heads that had rolled to her feet-

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_


	7. DMP's Idea of Fun PT 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Damn, I need to come up with something that I can own...**

**--  
**

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**DMP's Idea of Fun (PT 6)**

_Previously:_

_Sasori: How many more villains are there?_

_Pein: Two. And then it'll all be over._

_Sasori: And then I'll have DMP again…_

_Zetsu: I'll be fine. Go. You have another villain to kill before you can hold DMP again. Kill them._

_Sasori: -hesitates- Be careful. -runs off with others following-_

_Zetsu: -nods before pulling a sword and hacking off the mummy's hand- _

_Mummified Shikamaru: HAHAHAHA! -beetles start crawling out of wrist-_

_Zetsu: That's exactly what I want! -pulls on bandage until it's all unraveled; stares at a pile of dust and beetles and then opens mouth in horror; a beetle bites the underside of his wrist and he falls forward; the beetles all swarm him, slowly eating him alive until he's nothing but bones-_

_Konan: What do you mean?_

_Sasori: He's dead. I know it. And I feel really bad about it._

_Deidara: Does that mean the others are dead too, yeah?_

_Sasori: Probably._

_Pein: You knew it would happen and you let them go anyway?!_

_Sasori: Everything comes with a cost!_

_Konan: The cost isn't worth it for us. -she and Pein walk off and promptly get killed by two swords that fall after they set off a trap-_

_Hidan: I guess…Maybe there's a chance that I'll die so I can be with Kakuzu again…_

_Sasori: Thanks, all of you._

_Hyper: At least I'll die with some pride. -steps around Pein and Konan's bloody heads that had rolled to her feet-_

_--  
_

Deidara: Where's the big boss, yeah?

hyper: Stop calling it that! It freaks me out!

Deidara: Well, it _is_ the big boss, yeah.

hyper: La la la la la la la la…

Hidan: Is that it?

Sasori: Oh my god, it is. -stares at a big monster with fangs jutting out of its mouth and giant claws and twenty eyes- Holy shit…

Deidara: It looks like an oversized purple fuzz ball with fangs, claws and eyes, yeah.

hyper: It looks fuzzy, but it doesn't look like it wants a hug…

Sasori: How do we kill this thing?

Deidara: Why are you asking us, yeah?!

Hidan: I'll distract it, you go for the chest. -lunges at monster-

Sasori: Hidan! Wait!

hyper: Where's its chest?!

Deidara: He's going to die to give us a chance, yeah. Let's take that chance. -slides under monster and pulls out sword; shoves it into where the chest should be but isn't-

Monster: -roars; smashes Deidara with a claw; shakes Hidan off its back – throwing him into a wall-

hyper: DEIDARA!! -breaks into sobs-

Sasori: Deidara should have killed it! Why isn't it dead?! -looks over monster and sees the hearts on its back- It's like Kakuzu! Its heart is on its back!

hyper: I'm going to avenge my baby! -jumps onto monster and attempts to stab the heart but gets throw into a wall-

Sasori: I'm the only one who can do it now…-jumps onto monster and jabs the sword into its heart before getting swiped off, getting all his bones broken- Ugh…

DMP: -appears, not as a ghost- Sasori! No…

Sasori: I saved you…

DMP: But you're going to die!

Sasori: It's all part of love…

DMP: I never wanted this.

Sasori: It's not your fault. It never was.

DMP: -looks around- Is everyone dead?

Sasori: -nods weakly and then starts coughing up blood- I love you…-dies-

DMP: No…-looks around again and finds Deidara's sword; picks it up and thrusts it through her- I love you too…

--

Kakuzu: Woah. That was amazing. -pulls off 'virtual-reality' goggles-

DMP: It's like a Romeo and Juliet thing only…more modern and dramatic… -pulls off goggles-

Tobi: Tobi's death was brutal. -pulls off goggles-

hyper: -pulls off goggles- I almost felt my death. That was so weird.

Pein: -pulls off goggles- That was awesome. Thanks for the idea.

Everyone else: -pulls off goggles-

DMP: No problem. I figured everyone needed to get into the Halloween spirit anyway.

Sasori: O.o

DMP: Are you okay, 'Sori?

Sasori: My death…was so…vicious. Why'd I have to die like that?

DMP: I don't know. Maybe it ran out of nice ways to kill everyone.

Konan: None of the deaths were nice!

DMP: -shrug-

Zetsu: I died with honor. And that was an awesome movie type thing.

Hidan: Why did I get such a sappy line? "Maybe there's a chance that I'll die so I can be with Kakuzu again." Ugh.

Kakuzu: You'd so say that if I died.

Hidan: Would not.

Tobi: Tobi's going to have nightmares for weeks.

Itachi: It was like a horror movie that we all stared in.

Kisame: He's right. It looked exactly like a horror movie…

--

Everyone: -staring at TV with intense expressions-

DMP: Oh my God…That was so fucking creepy…

hyper: I can already feel the nightmares coming on…

Hidan: That was fucking AWESOME!

Kakuzu: Of course you'd say that.

Konan: Did anyone notice that all the characters looked exactly like us?

Pein: Yeah…Like the guy with the blue haired chick looked like me.

Sasori: And the guy who was in love with the girl who killed herself in the end looked like me.

DMP: The girl in the end looked _exactly_ like me…

Tobi: Maybe they're doppelgangers…

Zetsu: I don't know…

Itachi: They looked too much like us, Tobi.

Kisame: Yeah, but they weren't as evil.

hyper: Deidara, are you okay?

Deidara: Giant spider…lots of blood…I get squished, yeah…

DMP: Oh brother…And I thought _I_ was bad.

Sasori: Do you really think that it was a coincidence that they looked like us?

Konan: I hope so. That's really scary.

Pein: Are you scared?

Konan: Stop trying to be the brave guy here. You know you're going to be the one who ends up getting a few hours of sleep because you had nightmares all night. You can't fool me.

Tobi: That was scary.

Hidan: But the guy who looked like me got a really shitty line: "Maybe there's a chance that I'll die so I can be with…Kakuzu…again"…Oh my god…

Zetsu: That was no coincidence!

DMP: They said our names…

Sasori: A lot…

Itachi: _That_ is scary.

--

LAM: -tossing the tape in the air and catching it with one hand- Hehehehe…That was a lot of fun. Totally tricking them like that. And they'll never figure out how it happened…-catches tape again and walks off snickering-

_**A/N: FINALLY! The end of the Halloween Special and it's after Halloween! **_

_**Time for even more random shit...**_

_**Please review!  
**_


	8. Missy and Deidara

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Missy and Deidara**

Deidara: Can I blow up that really creepy doll over there, yeah?

hyper: It's DMP's.

Deidara: So?

hyper: She'll murder us.

Deidara: But it's so creepy, yeah!

hyper: I know, but I personally don't feel like dying.

Deidara: I think I'll risk it, yeah. I have nightmares about that thing.

hyper: What if you just buried it?

Deidara: Alright…if you insist, yeah…

HYPER: I do.

Deidara: -grabs the doll, runs outside and buries it-

--

DMP: -scream- WHERE'S MISSY?!

hyper: It ran away.

DMP: Why would she do that to me? I loved her!

hyper: I dunno. Maybe you forgot to feed her.

DMP: OMG! That must be it! I'm soooo sorry, Missy! Come back to me! -falls on knees and sobs-

hyper: -passes Deidara in doorway/whispers in his ear- I hope you feel really guilty.

Deidara: -whispers- I do, yeah. O_o

hyper: -smiles- _(I win.)_

DMP: WHY DID YOU GO?! COME BACK, MISSY!!! -sobs-

Sasori: -suddenly appears in room- It's okay, DMP. I'm sure she'll be back.

DMP: Why would she run away just because I forgot to feed her ONCE?!?!?!?

Sasori: _(It's a doll…) _I don't know…

--

Deidara: -lying in bed staring at the ceiling with wide eyes-

Doll: -walking up from the end of the bed- I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Deidara: -screams bloody murder- WTF?!

Doll: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Deidara: I buried you, yeah!

Doll: I know.

Deidara: You should be dead, yeah! You shouldn't be here!

Doll: But I am, Deidara. And I'm so mad at you…

Deidara: I DIDN'T MEAN IT, YEAH!

Doll: But you did.

Deidara: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Doll: -pulls out knife- DIE!

Deidara: ZOMG!!!! -screams worse than bloody murder-

--

Sasori: Don't you think that's a bit overboard?

DMP: Nah, he totally deserves this.

Sasori: I dunno…

DMP: Just a few more minutes…

Sasori: No more than five. I don't want him to think he's actually dead.

DMP: A little late. He's going to have nightmares for years!

Sasori: You scare me.

DMP: I scare a lot of people.

Deidara: -screams again-

DMP: Music to my ears. -hugs the doll- You like it too, Missy? Heh-heh-heh…

--

_**A/N: In case you didn't catch that, hyper 'fessed up and told me that Deidara had buried the doll, like, right after he did it. And fyi, I don't own a creepy doll named Missy. I would die in fear of having one in my room. With it's creepy ass glass eyes staring at me...-shudder-**_

_**Please review.  
**_


	9. How You Scare Zetsu Take Plan B

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I no own Naruto. Which is sad. Sorta.**

**--  
**

**How You Scare Zetsu (take plan B)**

Zetsu: I'm so hungry…-looks into kitchen-

Tobi: -pops into doorway- HI, ZETSU-SAN!

Zetsu: AH!

Tobi: Did Tobi finally scare you?!

Zetsu: No…You just startled me. That's all.

Tobi: Darn it.

Zetsu: You just can't scare me, Tobi. -turns to walk away-

Tobi: -screams-

Zetsu: -turns back around- WT—TOBI?!

Tobi: -blood spurting out of his chest with a knife in it- Zetsu…san…Help…Tobi…-falling onto his knees-

Zetsu: ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG! OoO

Tobi: Ugh…

Zetsu: ZOMG! TOBI, YOU'RE DYING! -starts turning around in circles looking panic-stricken-

Tobi: -starts laughing- Tobi can't scare you, huh?

Zetsu: THAT'S NOT FUNNY, TOBI!!

Tobi: It's a fake knife and fake blood, Zetsu-san.

Zetsu: I DON'T CARE! THAT WAS CRUEL!!

Tobi: Well…Tobi _is _an S-class criminal…

Zetsu: You're _horrible_! -stomping off-

Tobi: What did you expect from Tobi?! A bunny attack? Wait…WAIT! Zetsu-san! DON'T OPEN YOUR DOO—

Zetsu: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Tobi: Bunny attack was the next thing on Tobi's list…

Zetsu: THEY'RE GOING TO _EAT_ ME!!! -runs past with a bunny biting his ear and several bunnies chasing him-

Tobi: They don't eat people, Zetsu-san! They eat…plants…oh…

Zetsu: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

--

_**Please review.**_


	10. Tobi and the KittyCat

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**--  
**

**Tobi and the Kitty-Cat**

Tobi: Swish…swish…Look at that cute little kitty!

Kitty: Mew?

Tobi: You are so cute! Yes you are!

Kitty: Purr…

Tobi: Such a pretty kitty…

Kitty: Mew!

Tobi: How do you get your tail to swish like that?

Kitty: -swishes tail then looks back at Tobi with big eyes- Mew?

Tobi: OH!! You're soooo cute!!

Kitty: -licks paw- Purr…

Tobi: Tobi's going to go get a tail…

Kitty: Mew?

Tobi: Tobi will be RIGHT back, Mr. Kitty-Cat!

Kitty: -curls up on side-walk- Mew…

--

Tobi: Mew. Mew. Mew. -reaches behind him and makes his fake tail move- See, Mr. Kitty-Cat? Tobi's a kitty too!

Kitty: Mew?

Tobi: Mew.

Kitty: Mew!

Tobi: Mew, mew!

Kitty: Purr…

Tobi: He said he's a girl. So he's now Ms. Kitty-Cat. Mew?

Kitty: Mew, mew.

Tobi: Mew.

Kitty: Mew!

Tobi: Mew…! She said that she likes Tobi. You can say a lot with just one mew…


	11. Break Dancer

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. **

**Break Dancer**

DMP: Yo! -break dances to Flo-Rider's (sp) "Low"-

Sasori: -walking past but suddenly stops and watches her with blank expression-

DMP: Low, low, low, low…

Sasori: What are you doing?

DMP: Getting this shit out of my system.

Sasori: Why the hat and…"bling"?

DMP: It just fits.

Sasori: And the song?

DMP: It was on.

Sasori: Is it almost out of your system?

DMP: Give it two more songs and then it should be out.

Sasori: Have fun.

DMP: I will.

Sasori: -walks away-

DMP: Low, low, low, low, low…


	12. Double Stuffed

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!! Especially not Naruto. 8O**

**

* * *

  
**

**Evil Man and Orange-Masked Wonder!**

Pein: DUN DA DA DA! IT'S EVIL MAN!

Tobi: -in a cape- AND ORANGE-MASKED WONDER! -starts running around making laser sounds-

Pein: -pretending to shoot at Tobi with laser gun-

Konan: -walking past- You're both idiots.

Pein: I'M HIT; I'M HIT!

Tobi: AND ORANGE-MASKED WONDER SAVES THE DAY AGAIN!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Pein: Savor this victory, for it will be your last. -pretends to pass out-

Tobi: Says you, Evil Man.

* * *

**The Game**

Sasori: ON GUARD!

DMP: I ALREADY AM!

Sasori: Huh?

DMP: You said "on guard". So I'm on guard.

Sasori: That doesn't make any sense.

DMP: Yes it does. YOU don't make any sense.

Sasori: Oh yeah?!

DMP: Yeah!

Sasori: Now it's REALLY on!

DMP: BRING IT!

Sasori: I WILL!

-they fight with their plastic swords-

DMP: -pretends to almost die- H-How could you?

Sasori: You dissed me.

DMP: Is that all you can say when I'm about to die?!

Sasori: Well you did!

DMP: Be that way! -gasps and pretends to die-

Sasori: NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE! -falls onto knees and pretends to cry-

DMP: -whispers- That'll learn ya.

Sasori: You're supposed to be dead.

DMP: XP

Sasori: Why…why…

DMP: You stabbed me.

Sasori: You suck at dying! -throws down plastic sword-

DMP: Well stop saying stuff like that and then I'll be able to be quiet.

Sasori: I'm never playing this game with you again!

DMP: That's okay. When you pretend to stab me, it really hurts.

Sasori: Sorry.

DMP: It's alright. But we'll never play this game again, okay?

Sasori: Okay.

--

Sasori: ON GUARD!

DMP: BRING IT!

Sasori: OH, IT'S BRUNG!

DMP: Make sense, damn it! My head hurts now!!

Sasori: Ha! -pretends to stab her-

DMP: -falls- Oh…You suck…

Sasori: I know.

DMP: -pretends to die- XP

Sasori: I'm a horrible person…-pretends to cry-

* * *

**A/N: Oh, yeah, dat's right, peeps. Two in one chapter. It's double stuffed weekend, kidlings. **

**Actually, the truth is, the chapter I originally wanted to post was too short so I had to put two in. But that makes you peeps happy, right? **

**Please review, oh faithful ones...  
**


	13. Triple The Insanity!

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**The Dares**

**disclaimer: oh. sorry. my cat's in the way so i can't do a decent one. i no own naruto. **

**

* * *

  
**

Hidan: Kakuzu, I won't do it.

Kakuzu: So you want to sleep on the couch then?

Hidan: No…

Kakuzu: It's either this or the couch tonight.

Hidan: But this is embarrassing!

Kakuzu: My last dare was embarrassing!

Hidan: But yours was funny!

Kakuzu: GO!!!

Hidan: grumble, grumble, grumble, grumble…

--

Hidan: Happy? -wearing kitty suit-

Kakuzu: Very.

LAM: -suddenly pops out of nowhere- DUN DA DA DA! IT'S CATWOMAN!!

Hidan: Must you do that every time I wear this damn thing?!

LAM: Yes. -poofs away-

Kakuzu: Alright. You got this one. Let's see…I dare DMP to kiss…Pein.

DMP: Can't it just be a hug?

Kakuzu: Nope. It's gotta be a kiss on the lips.

DMP: Ugh! -kisses him- I'M CONTAMINATED!

Konan: WHORE!!

DMP: SHIT-FUCK!!

Konan: -starts chasing her-

Kakuzu: I didn't expect that…

Hidan: Yes…Konan is very possessive. Now, can I take this thing off?

Kakuzu: Sure.

Hidan: THANK GOD!

**(A/N: This one was so I can post my Xmas one next weekend. So you don't get confused.) **

* * *

**Warning**

**At this point, I'd like to tell you something. I told you that this was going to be messed up and random. If you want to read more of this odd collection of randomness, then please, scroll down or turn the page. (I still don't believe that this made it to a book…) And enjoy. But if you're getting freaked out and feel like you're loosing brain cells, then I advise you to close this page or shut the book because this isn't going to get any better. **

**Enjoy.**

* * *

**Another Year of Kindergarten**

Tobi: -jumping on his bed- UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN!

DMP: You know your directions.

Tobi: Yep. Tobi's been practicing!

DMP: Which one's left and which one's right?

Tobi: -points left- Right. -points right- Left. See how awesome Tobi is?!

DMP: Did you make it past kindergarten?

Tobi: No. It's going to be Tobi's sixteenth year there. Why?

DMP: o_O No…No reason… _(omg)_

Tobi: UP AND DOWN, LEFT AND RIGHT! DOWN AND UP, RIGHT AND LEFT! YAY!


	14. It Could Be a Hobby and Obsessive

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I no own Naruto**

**

* * *

  
**

**It Could Be a Hobby…**

Hidan: Am I sharing a room with you?

Kakuzu: Yes.

Hidan: Can I—

Kakuzu: No.

Hidan: I didn't even get to ask!

Kakuzu: So?

Hidan: Are you going to say anything more than a word?!

Kakuzu: Maybe.

Hidan: Can I have my dagger on the bookshelf?

Kakuzu: Maybe.

Hidan: Do you want it under my bed?

Kakuzu: NO!

Hidan: So can I have it on the bookshelf?

Kakuzu: Yes…

Hidan: Do I have to make my bed?

Kakuzu: What kind of question is that?!

Hidan: One that got you to say more than one word.

Kakuzu: … Damn it. I was on a roll…

Hidan: Was.

Kakuzu: Shut-up.

Hidan: By the way, can I—

Kakuzu: NO!

Hidan: I didn't even get to ask!!

Kakuzu: So?

Hidan: Stop it!

Kakuzu: No.

Hidan: I hate you.

Kakuzu: Yeah…

* * *

**Obsessive**

Sasori: How do you and Hidan solve your problems?

Kakuzu: What problems?

Sasori: Every relationship has problems.

Kakuzu: Not mine. The only problem is his scythe and I don't go near that anymore.

Sasori: You don't have any other problems?

Kakuzu: Nope. Everything's fine.

Hidan: What are you doing?

Kakuzu: Huh?

Hidan: CHEATER!

Kakuzu: WTF?!

Sasori: No problems, huh? Well. I have to go see DMP before she flips out on me. Good luck.

Kakuzu: What?! But…But…Hey, Hidan. Put the scythe away…

Hidan: Grrrrrrr…

Sasori: Heh-heh-heh…They have a lot of problems to work out. And now to face mine…

--

DMP: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! WHO DID YOU SEE?! HUH?! HUH?! ANSWER ME, DAMN IT!!

Sasori: Oi…

--

**Please review! :)**


	15. The Documentary and ConArtist

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.  
**

**The Documentary **

Kakuzu: What are you watching?

Sasori: Some documentary. I don't even know what it's about, but I'm hooked now.

Kakuzu: About those problems…

Sasori: I was hoping you knew how to take care of them because DMP and I are having issues and she keeps hitting me.

Kakuzu: That doesn't sound nice.

Sasori: It hurts.

Kakuzu: We should get books on how to solve relationship problems.

Sasori: That or get them into some sort of therapy for obsessive-ness.

Kakuzu: Obsessive-ness?

Sasori: Yeah. Don't you see it? They're obsessed with us. They have to know who we're with and what we did and they're always accusing us of cheating. It's not healthy.

Kakuzu: Now I see it. But therapy seems a bit extreme. Besides, they'd never agree to go.

Sasori: Yeah…

Kakuzu: Any other ideas?

Sasori: Want to watch this documentary with me?

Kakuzu: That's the best idea you've come up with in years.

Sasori: I thought so…

* * *

**Con-Artist**

hyper: Romeo, Romeo. Where fore art thou, Romeo?

Deidara: What are you doing, yeah?

hyper: Practicing my lines.

Deidara: What lines, yeah?

hyper: I'm going to try out for the part of Juliet!

Deidara: pft…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

hyper: What's so funny?!

Deidara: Nothing. It's just, you can't even say "yes" if there's more than two people looking at you, yeah. How can you do all those lines in front of all those people?

hyper: I didn't think about that…

Deidara: You rarely do, yeah.

hyper: I'm not trying out now…

Deidara: Of course not, yeah.

hyper: Thanks, Deidara.

Deidara: Any time.

hyper: -walks away-

DMP: -comes out from behind the couch- Here's your ten bucks.

Deidara: Awesome. -looks at the bill before shoving it into his pocket- Are you sure you're going to be able to do this, yeah? I mean, you've come a long way with your confidence, but do you really want to push your luck with being a main role in a big play like this?

DMP: Are you kidding? I've always wanted to do this. Nothing's going to stop me now.

Deidara: Until you get out there and see all those people staring at you and you forget all your lines, yeah. Then you're really going to be glad you did this.

DMP: … Omg…you're right…-walks away-

Konan: -steps out from behind bookcase- Thanks. And here's your twenty.

Deidara: Any time…-stares at bill with a grin on his face as Konan walks past him-


	16. One, Two, Three, LAUGH

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

**--  
**

**Loves**

Kakuzu: Hello, Hidan.

Hidan: Un…

Itachi: How long do you think they can keep this up?

Kisame: They've been at it for about three days now, I'd say…another hour.

Itachi: Nah, thirty minutes tops.

Hidan: What do you want anyway?

Kakuzu: I wanted to give you this. -holds out scythe-

Hidan: You fixed it?! -sparkles in eyes-

Kakuzu: Yeah. Sorry for breaking it.

Hidan: YOU FIXED IT! And sorry for being a jerk.

Kakuzu: 'Pology accepted.

Hidan: I lovel you!

Kakuzu: Lovel you too!

Itachi: O_o They forgave each other under five minutes!

Kisame: o_O Holy shit…

* * *

**Pancakes Result in Blown Up Kitchen??**

Konan: Pein?

Pein: -glares at her-

Konan: Fine. Leader?

Pein: -perks up- Yes?

Konan: Deidara blew up the kitchen.

Pein: -looks extremely angry- WHAT?!

Konan: He thought he could make the pancakes cook faster.

Pein: HE'S SO FUCKING STUPID!

Konan: I already told him that.

Pein: I'm so kicking his ass.

Konan: Right after Kakuzu gets the money from him to fix the kitchen.

Pein: -calms down- What?

Konan: Kakuzu wants Deidara to pay for the disaster.

Pein: That's worse than anything I was planning on doing to him. But tell him that I'm still angry.

Konan: Why?

Pein: I like watching him freak out.

Konan: You're a very sadistic man.

Pein: That's why you love me.

Konan: Amongst other things. -walks away-

Pein: Huh?

* * *

**Sasori Theory **

Sasori: I wonder who painted the sky…

DMP: Huh?

Sasori: Someone had to have painted the sky. I mean, there's no other explanation as to why it's blue!

DMP: So did someone paint the grass too?

Sasori: Of course.

DMP: This is what happens when an artist starts thinking about the mysteries of the world…

Sasori: And someone paints the clouds and thunderstorms.

DMP: Is this the scientific theory?

Sasori: Scien-what?

DMP: Scientific. You know, the geniuses who invent really cool stuff and tell the world how the Earth spins?

Sasori: Oh. No. It's my theory.

DMP: So an artist's theory?

Sasori: No. It's a Sasori theory.

DMP: Oh…

* * *

**A/N: I has to ask something of you - my reviewers. There's a chapter coming up and you'll be in it. However, I need to know which members of the Akatsuki is your favorite. (Which one would you date?) It'll be important for that chapter. So, that's what I need from you. That's it. Please and thank-you.**

**Oh, and please review.  
**


	17. Tag

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Tag**

hyper: TAG!

Deidara: That's not fair, yeah! I called times. Besides, Jimmy was standing right next to you, yeah!

hyper: He was?

Deidara: Yeah!

hyper: Oh. Well then, tag.

Deidara: He's by the slide now, yeah.

hyper: Why didn't you tell me that before?!

Deidara: Are you sure you can see Jimmy, Sarah, and Lindsay, yeah?

hyper: NO! And why are two out of three of your friends girls? Hmmm?

Deidara: I don't know, yeah…

hyper: Is that so?

Deidara: I just liked their names, yeah!

hyper: Is that what you're going to tell me when you give them little clay roses?

Deidara: Huh?

hyper: I thought so.

Deidara: I just said huh, yeah!

hyper: It implied a lot of stuff!

Deidara: It did?

hyper: Yes, it did!

Deidara: I didn't mean it to, yeah!

hyper: LIAR! AND WHERE THE FUCK IS JIMMY NOW?!

Deidara: Behind you.

hyper: -punches the air- TAG!!

Deidara: I think you broke his nose, yeah…

--

_Deidara: DMP owns Naruto not, yeah._

_Sasori: ..._

_Deidara: Haven't you ever seen Star Wars, yeah?!_

_DMP: Because it's been referenced, I now have to tell you that I don't own Star Wars either..._

_Sasori: If everyone talks like that, I don't think I'll ever see it._

_Deidara: Only Yoda talks like that, yeah. So you haven't seen it?!_

_Sasori: No. And now I don't plan on it._

_Deidara: Sad..._

_Kakuzu: I'm a nerd._

_DMP: Why?_

_Kakuzu: Because while they were talking about Star Wars, I broke out in a monologue from it._

_DMP: ... You've memorized Star Wars?_

_Kakuzu: Only the first two. _

_Sasori: -hangs head- This is sad._


	18. INTERVENTION

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. I don't own the show "Intervention" either.**

_**A/N: Well, I've been putting this off for awhile but I guess I have to post this so that later chapters will make sense. There's a lot like that, sadly. But whatever, I hope you enjoy this excruciatingly long chapter. :)**_

**INTERVENTION**

_Today, we have Sasori, DMP, Kakuzu and Hidan. Hidan's obsessed with Kakuzu and he's always with him. DMP is obsessed with Sasori and she's always interrogating him about his life away from her. This intervention is on unhealthy obsessive relationships. Let's start with Hidan and Kakuzu._

Hidan: I don't have a problem. I can walk away from him any time I want.

Lady: How about now?

Hidan: I said when I _want_.

Lady: Hidan, we have some of your friends here to—

Hidan: -points at LAM- She's not my friend.

LAM: You can think that all you want.

Lady: As I was saying: We have some of your friends here to try to convince you to spend some time away from Kakuzu and get to therapy for your obsessive-ness.

Hidan: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!!

Lady: TOO BAD! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK! JUST DO THIS!!

Hidan: Fine. But I highly doubt you'll change anything.

Kakuzu: It's an intervention for a reason, Hidan.

Hidan: :P

Kakuzu: Don't do that to me. Don't you think I already feel bad about this?

Hidan: No.

Kakuzu: Then you're right.

--

LAM: I think you should get therapy because it's so sad to see you always by his side. And you'll do anything for him – even put on a cute little kitty suit – just to please him. But you never think that maybe the best thing for him is to have you away from him for awhile.

Hidan: I do think that – a lot. But I just can't stop myself! -crying-

LAM: I wasn't done.

Hidan: You want to torture me more?

LAM: Yes.

Hidan: Then go on.

LAM: Thank you. This is all for your benefit, though. I hope you know that. See, Kakuzu's being suffocated and you hurt him so often because you're so scared that he's cheating on you when he's with anyone but you without you around to watch. It's unhealthy and you're not just hurting him physically, you're hurting him mentally.

Kakuzu: Don't you mean emotionally?

LAM: No.

Kakuzu: Alright…

LAM: Anyway. You're also hurting _yourself _mentally. It's so hard to see you do this to yourself and him. Get help.

Hidan: -sobs- She's right…she's right.

LAM: I usually am.

--

Itachi: Basically, you're freaking me out by obsessing like this. It's weird and unnatural and I think you need loads of help.

Hidan: I freak myself out!! -blows nose-

Lady: Now do you think you have a problem?

Hidan: Yes.

Lady: Good. I just wanted you to admit that. Now, will you go to therapy?

Hidan: YES!!

Lady: Very good. Next is DMP and Sasori.

Sasori: DMP heard the first half of Hidan's intervention and ran away.

LAM: I'll go find her!

…20minutes later…

DMP: I WON'T GO! I WON'T! IT'S TORTURE!!

LAM: No it's not. You're just overreacting.

DMP: NO I'M NOT!!!!

Sasori: For me?

DMP: Okay…

Lady: Please, sit.

-they sit-

Lady: Do you have a problem, DMP?

DMP: I have lots of problems. Are you talking specifics? Because if you are, I can't answer that.

Lady: ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH SASORI?!

DMP: Oh. Well, duh. He's my totally awesome boyfriend.

Lady: This is an intervention. This is where we're going to try to convince you to go to therapy to get help for your obsessions.

DMP: But I don't need help.

Sasori: Yes you do.

DMP: -glares at him- Fine. What do I have to do?

Lady: Just listen to your friends.

DMP: This is a very cruel and unusual punishment, you know.

Lady: I know. And I've got a license to do this.

DMP: You're good.

--

Deidara: I think you should get help because you're obsession with Sasori goes WAY beyond an average relationship and it's really freaky, yeah. Every time I see you two together, I'm always extremely grateful that hyper isn't like you.

DMP: -le gaspeth- How rude!

Deidara: Let me finish, yeah!

DMP: Sorry…

Deidara: But if you cleaned yourself up some, you could be so much better, yeah. Then I probably wouldn't be comparing you with your sister!

hyper: And you'd give her a clay rose?

Deidara: No…

DMP: -yawn- Got it. I really need help. So where do I go?

Lady: You're not going to throw a fit or anything?

DMP: Nah. No one would let me escape anyway.

Lady: Well, then. Here. Make sure you go though.

Sasori: And I'll keep track.

DMP: Of course you will. And I'll go. I swear. Besides, there's nothing better for me to do except obsess over him and I'm not allowed to do that anymore. What's left but to get "help"?

Sasori: You took this much better than I thought you would. What's wrong with you?

DMP: -shrug- I'm fine. Well, except this obsession stuff you people keep throwing at me.

Sasori: She doesn't think she's obsessed…That or she doesn't know what obsessed _means_…=_='


	19. The Story of how it happened & an Extra

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**DiScLaImEr: I dOn'T oWn NaRuTo Or ChArAcTeRs ThErEoF.  
**

**The Story of how it happened**

Itachi: I'm worried about Sasori and DMP.

Kisame: Really? Why?

Itachi: Because yesterday, DMP tried to stab Sasori and the day before that, Sasori tried to suffocate DMP.

Kisame: Why'd they breakup again? I thought they were so close…

Itachi: They were. But DMP named her bear Lu – stupidest name on Earth – and she called LAM. They started talking about the stuffed animals they slept with at night and Sasori walked around the corner just as DMP said, "…Lu helps me sleep. He's so comforting and I can't sleep without him. He's so soft…"

Kisame: Sasori heard?

Itachi: It gets better. Sasori bursts in and starts yelling at DMP about how she was cheating on him and shit. LAM's sitting on the other line laughing, btw. So DMP starts freaking out and screaming that she was talking about her bear.

Kisame: Sasori's jealous of a bear?

Itachi: Yeah. Just wait, though. So Sasori starts apologizing over and over and DMP's all, "That's it. We're through. If you can't trust me, then I don't want to be around you." Or something like that. Sasori flips out and tells her that he doesn't want to lose her or whatever and DMP shoves him out of her room and slams the door in his face. So now they're on violent terms.

Kisame: Sasori's jealous of a bear! -laughs- Wow. That's amazing!

Itachi: It's pathetic.

Kisame: So that's why they keep trying to kill each other?

Itachi: Actually, it's because DMP keeps trying to kill Sasori. Sasori calls it "self-defense" when he tries to kill her. I call it a pathetic attempt at revenge.

Kisame: You think they'll get over this one?

Itachi: Of course. They can't stand to be away from each other for long. They're so alike it's freaky. They really need each other – that's why they can't _actually_ kill each other.

Kisame: Makes sense. But whatever happened to "opposites attract"?

Itachi: Dunno. I guess that doesn't come into play with them.

Kisame: Weird…

Itachi: So…You want a sandwich?

Kisame: Do I!

* * *

**The Randomest of All Random**

hyper: DUN DA DA DA! GUESS WHAT I AM! GUESS WHAT I AM!!

Sasori: A tree?

hyper: No...

Deidara: A vampire?

hyper: No…

Konan: A fish.

hyper: NO! I'M A CAT!! _A CAT_!!

DMP: -walks around corner and laughs- OMG! You're a dinosaur!

hyper: -attacks her- I'M A CAT, DAMN IT!!!

DMP: HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!

hyper: I WORKED HARD ON THIS!!

DMP: THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A CAT!!! FUCK! STOP STRANGLING M---dies-

hyper: Whoops…-gets off of her-

Sasori: -le gaspeth!- Oh noes!

Itachi: Here we go…

Pein: -hits his head on nearest wall-

Sasori: Bitch.

hyper: She had it coming…

Sasori: No she didn't.

hyper: Since when do you care about her?

Sasori: What're you talking about? I've always cared, damn it! She just names her stuffed animals stupid names!

hyper: Oh, whatever.

Sasori: I'm serious. I care more about DMP than you ever will about Deidara.

Kisame: That was stupid.

hyper: -le gaspeth- How the hell do you know?!

Sasori: Everyone can see that you just like him to do your work for you.

hyper: Uh-uh! I care a lot about him!

Sasori: Slave-driver!

hyper: IDIOT! -attacks-

Sasori: -side-steps- Watch and learn. This is how much I care about her. -leans over DMP's corpse and kisses her-

Everyone: OoO

DMP: huh?

Hidan: DAMN! It's really true! True love does conquer all! I hate life! -jumps out window-

Everyone: ???

Sasori: I'm sorry I didn't trust you. That was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made.

DMP: I know.

Sasori: Hey…

DMP: And I forgive you…

Sasori: Yays!

Kakuzu: God, that was stupid. I lost, like, twenty IQ points watching that. -walks outside- Now to find and fix Hidan…

Deidara: Hey… hyper?

hyper: Huh?

Deidara: Could I have a break, yeah?

hyper: -looks angry, sees Sasori's glare and calms down- Sure…

Deidara: Thanks. You're the best, yeah!

hyper: I know…


	20. The Leprechaun

**The Leprechaun**

_DMP: This one has nothing to do with this series because if I do any of the pairings I've been working on, it'll confuse the hell outta me! But I felt bad for not doing a chapter for any other holiday (like Xmas, like I said I would…). So this is sort of like a treat…_

_Tobi: Tobi wants a treat._

_DMP: You can have a cookie if you do the disclaimer._

_Tobi: Okay! DMP doesn't own "Naruto" or any character thereof. The only thing she owns is…hang on, let Tobi think about that…She owns herself, in a sense…_

_DMP: …Whatever. Here. –throws him a cookie-_

_Tobi: Yay! Tobi's a good boy!_

--

DMP: So St. Patrick's Day is today.

Deidara: St…Who's day, yeah?

DMP: Patrick.

Sasori: Why is this important?

DMP: It's not. It's just a fun holiday and I thought that you guys might want to have fun.

Deidara: Why is it fun, yeah?

DMP: Besides the fact that you can get drunk?

Hidan: I can get drunk for no apparent reason?

Sasori: I'm pretty sure that's what she just said.

Hidan: That is a pretty fucking awesome holiday right there. I'm so celebrating it.

Deidara: You just want an excuse to get drunk, yeah.

Hidan: Um, hello? That's totally the reason.

Sasori: -rolls eyes-

DMP: But also…there are little green men that run around today.

Tobi: Well, if they run around, do they do anything?

DMP: Of course! There are good ones that give people treats if they've been good and then there are bad ones that run around hurting people and give them bad luck if they've been bad. Have you been a good boy, Tobi?

Tobi: -panicked- YES!!

Deidara: Except the time you convinced me to blow up the kitchen because you "thought that Kakuzu wanted it that way", yeah.

Sasori: Or the time you broke seven of ten of my puppets because you thought it would be fun.

Hidan: Or how about the time you stole a bunch of Kakuzu's money and hid it in my bed? You didn't even have a reason for that.

Tobi: Yes, Tobi did. You were being mean to Tobi.

Hidan: I'm always mean to you.

Tobi: Tobi calls what he did karma. –nods matter-of-factly-

DMP: Well, it sounds like the Bad Mini Green Men will be coming to see you, Tobi.

Tobi: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY! A _GOOD BOY!! _–runs off, horrified-

DMP: Hey, Sasori? Can I borrow one of your smaller puppets?

Sasori: Yeah.

DMP: Thanks. –walks toward his room-

Deidara: Does that mean there aren't really any little green men, yeah?

Hidan: Yes, Deidara, yes.

Deidara: Oh…I knew that, yeah.

--

DMP: -sitting at her desk, painting a little puppet green- Ha-ha. Tobi's gunna get _fooled_! –picks it up and looks at it- Wonderful…

Sasori: Need some help?

DMP: Do you know what I'm doing?

Sasori: Gunna scare Tobi into thinking that there's little green men coming to get him?

DMP: Yes and I need your puppeteer skills. Will you please control this for me?

Sasori: Gladly. –attaches his chakra strings to the puppet and lifts it from the desk-

DMP: You sure can hold a grudge.

Sasori: You as well. –walks from the room with DMP following behind him-

--

Tobi: -watching TV when he hears something behind him. He looks down to see a little green person standing next to him, assumingly watching the TV as well- O…M…G…

Green man: Hello, Tobi. Guess what?

Tobi: …What?

Green man: You've been bad since the beginning of this year! Do you know what that means?

Tobi: Um…you're going to kill Tobi?

Green man: …No. I'm gunna give you bad luck for a week. Hello? Didn't you hear anything anyone's said to you all day?!

Tobi: Tobi tends to tune people out sometimes…

Green man: Whatever. BLICK BLANK BLAM!!

Sasori: -crouching behind wall by doorframe- What?

DMP: -shrug- I was in a hurry to come up with something and I was low on ideas…

Sasori: You need to re-watch Cinderella…

Tobi: But…But Tobi's a good boy…

Green man: Not according to my records, you aren't.

Tobi: -glances around and then steps on the little person- Humph. Tobi's a good boy.

DMP: -shocked-

Sasori: I'm going to fucking rip out every organ in his body and give them to Hidan and then I'm going to turn him into a puppet to replace the one he just broke…!

DMP: Wait a minute…He's stupid. He's weak. He's worthless. Do you really want a worthless puppet?

Sasori: …You're right. I'll turn him into a puppet and then I'll burn him and laugh at him…

DMP: … You're violent.

Sasori: And that's why you're so into me, right?

DMP: Well…

Hidan: -looking down at them- What're you doing?

DMP: Um…trying to see if we can see the TV from here?

Hidan: -glances at Tobi- I get it. HEY, T---

Sasori: Keep your mouth shut before I get Deidara to blow up your jaw. This is very important to all of us. We need to make sure that Tobi has bad luck for a week.

Hidan: -wide eyed, nods-

DMP: Good. –walks out and looks at Tobi, surprised- What's going on?

Tobi: Oh, DMP! You'll never believe what just happened to Tobi! He was watching TV when this little green person walked up next to him and told him that he was going to have bad luck for a week because Tobi's a bad boy but TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!!! –starts crying-

DMP: o_O Wow.

Deidara: You know, I think he just may be more annoying when he talks like that, yeah? The combination of his annoying voice and run-on sentence was so…well, annoying.

Sasori: -looks at him- You're annoying.

Deidara: You're just jealous because my girlfriend's nicer than yours, yeah.

Sasori: I don't know how you put up with your girlfriend because she's like a Tobi-wannabe.

Deidara: …That's not…Okay, yeah, you're right…

Hidan: I'm gunna go get a ladder.

Deidara: Why?

Hidan: I'm gunna get Tobi to walk under it and then I'm gunna get a banana.

Sasori: Why a banana?

Hidan: So I can "accidentally" squeeze it into his face while I'm peeling it, causing him to run into a wall. If my aim is right…

Deidara: Devious.

Hidan: I know. Now to get that ladder…

DMP: Um…Where's a Tobi fan girl when I need one?? It's okay, Tobi. I'm sure you were just hallucinating or something.

Tobi: -looks at her darkly- Tobi…Is…A…Good…BOY!! TOBI DOESN'T DO DRUGS!!!

DMP: I NEVER SUGGESTED THAT!!

Tobi: YES YOU DID!!

DMP: WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT ME?!

Tobi: BECAUSE YOU'RE SCREAMING AT TOBI!!!

DMP: I STILL DIDN'T SUGGEST THAT YOU DID DRUGS, I JUST SAID THAT YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HALLUCINATING BECAUSE OF…What makes someone hallucinate, Sasori-kun?

Sasori: Heat, exhaustion, drugs, dehydration…

DMP: WHAT HE SAID!

Tobi: YOU'RE STUPID!

DMP: -looking hurt- T…Take it back…

Sasori: Did you make DMP cry again, Tobi?

Tobi: Um…No…-runs away- TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!!!

DMP: -cries- He's an asshole.

Sasori: That's an understatement.

--

LATER THAT DAY

--

Hidan: -puts ladder in the kitchen, leaning it against some cupboards-

Pein: -walks in and pauses- What are you doing?

Hidan: Inciting bad luck for Tobi.

Pein: Why?

Hidan: Because the little green man gave him bad luck for a week.

Pein: … You know what? I'm not going to even think about what you're talking about today. I'm making this my official "don't wonder what my stupid criminal organization's up to" day…-walks away-

Hidan: Whatever…-grabs a banana as Tobi walks in- Hey, Tobi.

Tobi: What's the ladder there for?

Hidan: Kakuzu's fixing the ceiling. I accidentally hit it with my scythe.

Tobi: Oh, well…Tobi needs to get to that cupboard right there. –points to a cupboard under the ladder- Do you think you could move it for a minute?

Hidan: Sorry, no can do. Guess you'll just have to walk under it, huh?

Tobi: O…Okay…-walks under it as Hidan starts peeling the banana-

Hidan: -squeezes the banana a little too hard and it shoots out, into Tobi's eye hole- Oh my Jashin! I'm so sorry, Tobi!

Tobi: AUGH! LADDERS ARE BAD LUCK!!

DMP: -peeks into the room- What happened?

Hidan: I accidentally shot my banana into Tobi's eye hole!

DMP: OMG! Are you okay, Tobi?

Tobi: Yeah, it didn't get into Tobi's eye – luckily.

DMP: That's some bad luck you got there…

Tobi: Oh…-walks away dejectedly, forgetting about the banana and walking right into a wall- Ow…

DMP: -walks in and over to Hidan- How'd you do that?

Hidan: Carefully. -goes to the fridge and pulls out a beer- Cheers.

DMP: Cheers. -leaves the kitchen-

--

_**HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY, EVERYONE!! :D**_


	21. UhUhUhUh

**STUFF 'N THINGS**

**PG13**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or a doll named Missy. -sigh-  
**

**Nightmares**

hyper: How have the nightmares been?

Deidara: They get worse every night, yeah. Like, last night: Missy crawled onto my bed, pulled out a scythe and started hacking at me. I woke up seconds before I bled to death, yeah.

hyper: Cruel.

Deidara: It's really freaking me out, yeah.

hyper: I can only imagine.

Deidara: The night before, she pulled out a chainsaw and started sawing off my limbs and when she was just about to saw off my head, I woke up, yeah.

hyper: Okay, I get it. I'm really sorry.

Deidara: I think I'm going to stop sleeping, yeah.

hyper: You wouldn't last one night.

Deidara: I know…

**Ballet Dancing and Tool**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tool or any of their songs (obviously).  
**

DMP: -ballet dancing-

Sasori: New fling?

DMP: Yep. I didn't even know I could bend like this. It's so weird.

Sasori: You can do so much with a little imagination.

DMP: I know. It's wonderful.

Sasori: You know what you should try?

DMP: -stops- What?

Sasori: You should try ballet dancing to this. -holds up a Tool CD-

DMP: I dunno…that sounds hard…

Sasori: I thought you liked challenges.

DMP: I do. Give me that. -switches CDs and starts dancing-

Sasori: -walking away whispering- And _that_ is how you teach someone like her how to dance.

**Alphabet**

DMP: Did you know that Tobi's going into his _sixteenth _year of kindergarten this fall?

Sasori: Yes.

DMP: Isn't it pathetic?

Sasori: Not for Tobi. It's an improvement. He barely passed preschool and I thought you didn't have to pass it!

DMP: You have to pass preschool to get into kindergarten?

Sasori: Apparently.

Tobi: -walks through kitchen singing the alphabet…sort of…- A, B, C, D, E, G, F, I, J, K, H, M, L, O, Q, P…

DMP and Sasori: o_O

Sasori: If knowing how to sing the alphabet counts as part of a passing grade, Tobi's not going to pass this year either.

DMP: Nope. But at least he knows all of the letters.

Sasori: That's true…

**More Dancing**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Tool...It's because I referenced it that I have to mention it again...  
**

Sasori: -watching DMP dance- Having fun?

DMP: Ballet dancing to Tool isn't as hard as I thought it would be! And it's really fun!

Sasori: Strange…It doesn't look like you're ballet dancing anymore.

DMP: It doesn't?! -stops and looks down at herself with an alarmed expression-

Sasori: Nah. It looks better. Like, an alternative dance.

DMP: Is that good? -looks at Sasori with an alarmed expression-

Sasori: Yeah. It's more fun to watch you.

DMP: Then this is good…

Sasori: _(And she'll never admit that I was the one who helped her…)_

--

_DMP: Now I can start updating with newer and funner stuff!_

_Deidara: Funner isn't a word, yeah...IS IT?!_

_Sasori: No._

_Deidara: I was right, yeah!_

_DMP: Go crawl in a hole and die._

_Deidara: Don't be mean to me, yeah!_

_DMP: ...I thought you'd be used to this? _

_Deidara: Well...it's something I'm required to say, yeah. It's in my contract, remember?_

_DMP: Where is it in that contract?!_

_Deidara: Page three, paragraph six, yeah._

_DMP: -starts flipping through contract frantically- Oh, holy crap, it's true._

_Deidara: It also states that I'm allowed to insult you but it comes with consequences, yeah. You still haven't beat on me for insulting you._

_DMP: I'm allowed to do that?_

_Sasori: Who wrote the contract?_

_DMP: Not me._

_Sasori: Obviously. Why don't you end this chapter already?_

_DMP: Okay. Bye...I'm looking forward to updating with newer stuff! -smiles insanely-_

_Deidara: EEP! Oh, and DMP doesn't ACTUALLY have a contract, yeah...Disclaimers are annoying, huh, Danna?_

_Sasori: ... Whatever ...  
_


	22. Pein's Turn

**Why So Serious?**

**PG13**

**Pein's Turn**

**A/N: I'm not sure if I reference this in later chapters or not and that's why I'm actually - or rather, finally - posting this chapter. So, enjoy the random weirdness. :) **

**Oh, and I actually decided to bump up the rating because I didn't want to edit the chapter and Hidan's appearances become a bit more frequent in these new chapters...and he swears a lot, in case no one noticed. So, in fear of getting in trouble, the story is now M for "foul language". XD **

**Also, I'm not crazy and I don't take medication for craziness because I don't have it. It's just a joke, just so you know. -_-' Ah, disclaimers, while I'm thinking about it: I don't own Naruto and I don't own...any Naruto manga books except, like, two. And they're not even shippuden. It's very sad.  
**

**Please review if you feel like it...And, uh, Happy April Fool's Day.  
**

DMP: -sob sob- This isn't fair!

Sasori: -knocks on her door- Are you okay? What's wrong?

DMP: Go away! You're not even supposed to be here! You're dead!

Sasori: -looks at the door with a puzzled expression- Huh?

DMP: -opens the door and shoves several manga books into his hands- YOU'RE DEAD! –starts crying again and slams the door in his face-

Sasori: -flips through a few books- This is so weird… -walks down the hall reading a page of it-

--

Deidara: DMP? hyper wanted me to check on you, yeah…

DMP: Go away! You're not supposed to be here! You're dead!

Deidara: Um…

DMP: I can't believe that you lost to Sasu-gay!

Deidara: Didn't you kill him, yeah?

DMP: Not yet…I'm still working out the kinks. I don't want to get caught.

Deidara: See? Now you sound more like you, yeah.

DMP: YOU'RE STILL DEAD! –opens the door and shoves several manga books into his hands and then slams the door in his face as she starts sobbing again- Go away. I'm in the middle of a catastrophic breakdown…

Deidara: She's really confusing, yeah. –opens one of the books and starts reading-

--

Hidan: Hey, can I have my scythe back? You stole it and never gave it back…

DMP: NO! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND DIE?!

Hidan: Excuse me? I'm indestructible, woman. What're you talking about?!

DMP: -pokes head outside, looks at him then disappears. When she reappears, she shoves several books into Hidan's hands- YOU'RE DEAD!

Hidan: YOU DUMB BITCH! I CAN'T FUCKING DIE!

DMP: WELL YOU DID!

Hidan: YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY!

DMP: READ THE GODDAMN BOOKS!

Hidan: -grumbles and walks off reading one of them-

--

Kakuzu: Hidan's crying. What did you do to him?

DMP: YOU SON OF BITCH! YOU DIED ON ME!

Kakuzu: Why haven't you taken your medication today?

DMP: I lost it.

Kakuzu: Conveniently or accidentally?

DMP: Conveniently.

Kakuzu: That's what I thought.

DMP: But that doesn't excuse your death, you asshole. And dying because of Kakashi too…!

Kakuzu: Kakashi's weak. Like I'd let him kill me…! –laughs-

DMP: -shoves several books into his hands- Read. Kakashi isn't as weak as you think. You underestimate him, young one.

Kakuzu: Who are you calling 'young', you little bitch?!

DMP: READ THEM!

Kakuzu: Bitch…-walks away reading-

--

Pein: What the hell is wrong with you?! You've been in there for a week now! …Have you even been eating?

DMP: Yeah. Carefully. But I can't come out. I'm not done with my catastrophic breakdown yet.

Pein: I don't see how it's so catastrophic.

Deidara: -walks past door with book inches away from his face- Yeah, it's not like my C-4 bombs! Which totally rock, by the way.

DMP: He's dead…

Pein: What?

DMP: HE'S DEAD! HE DIED! SASU-GAY KILLED HIM!

Pein: …Have you taken your medication today?

DMP: …maybe…

Sasori: -runs down the hall in tears- THAT BITCH!! She and my grandma are murderers!! I hate them! I will get my revenge!!

Pein: -watches him run down the hall- What was he talking about?

DMP: …

Pein: Damn it, DMP! What did you do to my organization?!

DMP: Are they all grumbling about their deaths?

Pein: Hidan, Kakuzu, Sasori. The only one who isn't crying who's here is Deidara.

DMP: He's dyslexic. It'll take him awhile for the truth to sink in.

Pein: What. Did. You. Do?

DMP: I gave them books telling about their deaths. It was so depressing…

Pein: So they're crying because they're going to die?

DMP: NO!! THEY _ARE_ DEAD! _THEY ARE DEAD!!_

Deidara: -from the other room- WHAT THE FUCK!! HOW THE HELL DID HE ESCAPE THAT, YEAH?! I TOTALLY HAD HIM!! AND I DIED BECAUSE OF IT, YEAH!?! HE DIDN'T EVEN ENJOY MY SHOW!!

DMP: So it finally sinks in…

Pein: Come out now so I can beat your ass!!

DMP: I DIDN'T DO IT! I JUST SHOWED THEM! THEY ASKED WHY I WASN'T LEAVING MY ROOM!! …Hidan's crying?

Hidan: Yes, I'm crying and it's all your fault!

DMP: Nu-uh!

Pein: Get your ass out here so I can beat you to a bloody pulp!

DMP: That's great motivation. Yeah, now I'm totally coming out.

Pein: GET OUT HERE!

DMP: -peeks at him through a peek hole that she'd installed in her door- Damn. The manga was right. You are hot.

Pein: -blushes and steps away from the door- What kind of sick are you!?

Konan: Did I hear someone tell my boyfriend he was hot and not me?!

Pein: Yeah! DMP!

DMP: You're such a baby.

Konan: -runs down hall and kicks door in- DIDN'T GET ENOUGH, HUH?! YOU LIKE GETTING BEAT UP, DO YA?! WELL LET ME PUNCH YOUR FACE IN, YOU LITTLE WHORE!

DMP: You're squishing me…

Konan: -looks down to see one of DMP's hands flailing from under the door- DIE, SLUT, DIE! -starts jumping up and down on the door while laughing manically-

Sasori: She may have told me that I'm supposed to be dead but she's still my girlfriend!

Pein: -casually- She called me hot.

Sasori: YOU'RE SUCH A TERRIBLE GIRLFRIEND, DMP! FIRST YOUR STUPID TEDDY BEAR – _LU!_ – AND NOW HITTING ON PEIN! YOU HATE ME, DON'T YOU?!

DMP: Pein's such an ass…


	23. Can't Scare Me

**Why So Serious?**

**Can't Scare Me**

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* * *

**

DMP: MUAHAHAHA!

Hidan: What are you doing?

DMP: I'm practicing my evil laugh.

Hidan: It doesn't sound very evil. And villains don't laugh like that. That's so 1940.

DMP: Really?

Hidan: Yeah, really.

DMP: That's so sad. Maybe I can bring it back?

Hidan: It died with the 40's for a reason, DMP.

DMP: You're evil, right?

Hidan: I'd like to think so.

DMP: So will you help me come up with an evil laugh?

Hidan: I go for completely insane. Like…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! –assumes a crazed expression- Like that.

DMP: Oh, you're good. I almost completely believed that you're insane. I only knew that it was fake because I know that you really are insane.

Hidan: …What?

DMP: Well, a really insane person would laugh more like this: BYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! –looks absolutely insane- And you're laugh was so amateur. So you know that they really must be insane, you know?

Hidan: Um…No. –slowly starts backing away- That was freaky weird.

DMP: My line of reasoning is that if a laugh that fake is done, you know that they must actually be insane. If they laugh my way, you know that they're faking it. Get it?

Hidan: Not really. But that was a wicked freaky laugh. I think you found your evil laugh.

DMP: _Really?! _You really think that's it?!

Hidan: Yeah…It totally fits you.

DMP: YAY!!! I found my evil laugh! At last…I can laugh in your face while you cry at my expense, Hyper… -grins maliciously-

Hidan: Heh-heh… -backs away, then turns and runs out of the room-

DMP: BYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Konan: -peeks around door frame looking suspicious- _What are you up to…DMP? _

* * *

_**Deidara: Um…-puts on best cute face- I'd really appreciate it if you tell us who you'd like to date – if you'd like to at all – out of the Akatsuki. That is, if there are still reviewers out there besides Tentenperson-Kshikamarugal and Zetsu's Rose, yeah. With the newer stuff, there's going to be a short part where you all say who you like and how you'd freak out if they were to be killed – uh, not that we're planning on killing them! –laughs nervously- Anyway, this would be much appreciated so that when DMP gets there, no one will be confused or anything, yeah. –looks up through half-lidded eyes- Please?**_

_**Sasori: -nosebleeds- **_

_**Deidara: Uh…Okay…I guess I'll just do the disclaimer, too? DMP does not own Naruto© or any characters thereof because they belong to Masashi Kishimoto, yeah. **__**Arigato, Kishimoto-senpai. Oh, and please review while I go check on Sasori, yeah. **__**It looks like he's lost a lot of blood…-wanders over to Sasori-**_


	24. Reality TV

**Why So Serious?**

**Reality TV**

**DiScLaImEr: I don't own Naruto© or characters thereof. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

**

* * *

**

Kisame: -looks into cellar- _It's scary down there…_

Deidara: -sneaks up behind him- DON'T FALL, YEAH!

Kisame: -almost falls- NAAHH!!

Deidara: Hahaha! That's so funny, yeah! Why are you so scared?

Kisame: I'm not scared.

Deidara: You look like you're about to cry, yeah.

Kisame: Well, I'm fine. You totally freaked me out. I mean, wouldn't you be freaked if someone came up behind you and almost pushed you in?

Deidara: I wasn't going to push you in, yeah. I just poked your sides. Like this, yeah! –pokes his sides-

Kisame: NAAHH!!

Deidara: Hahaha!! You are so scared, yeah!

Kisame: Why don't you just go find your little girlfriend and go mess around with her or something?

Deidara: Cuz it's more fun to mess with you, yeah.

Hidan/Hyper: -walks in and gasps- HOW COULD YOU, DEI?!

Hyper: Hey, he's my boyfriend. Back off, jack-ass.

Hidan: Heh, _your _boyfriend? He's been mine longer than he's known you, bitch.

Deidara: Uh…You guys…

Hyper: I KNEW IT!

Hidan: What the… O_o

Kisame: Uh…?

Deidara: Wait, wait! Please calm down, yeah!

Hyper: I knew you'd give someone else one of those damn clay roses eventually!!

Hidan: You got a clay _rose_? All I got was a tulip…

Hyper: Really? Now I feel very special.

Hidan: You gave her a _rose?! _And all I got was a _fucking tulip?!_

Deidara: Look, you guys…If you're gunna kill me, kill me quickly, yeah…

Kisame: Somebody's in trouble… ^_^

Itachi: Wow…

Kisame: Yikes!

Deidara: Hahahaha! You're scared, yeah!

Kisame: Am not!

Itachi: -assumes brave pose- Don't worry, I'll protect you!

Kisame: XD

Itachi: -whispers- Besides, I'm scared of the cellar, too. But just a little…

Hidan: Hahahaha! Itachi's a wuss!

Itachi: You dare to call me names?

Hidan: Fuck yeah!

Hyper: Oh! Somebody's gunna need Kakuzu to stitch him up soon…!

Hidan: … -looks at her funny-

Hyper: What?

Hidan: Nothing.

Deidara: You're nasty, Hidan.

Hyper: And that's why you like him, huh?! Well…I…I can be nasty, too! –bursts into tears- You gave me a clay rose and promised that you only loved me! –runs up and starts hitting him in the chest- YOU LYING, CHEATING, BASTARD!!

Deidara: -grabs her wrists- But…Hyper, I do love you, yeah. –gains a serious expression-

Hyper: Huh…?

Deidara: You're the only one for me, yeah. You're the only one I've ever loved this much! Don't hate me because of the mistakes I've made, yeah!

Hidan: I AM NOT A MISTAKE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Hyper: Wow… -sparkly eyes- I LOVEL YOU, TOO, DEI-DEI-KUN!!

Deidara: -hugs her tightly- I'll never let you go.

Itachi: ZOMG! I thought I saw something in the cellar!

Kisame: Where?! Where?! SQUISH IT!

Itachi: No way! It looked like a girl…

Hidan: It was probably just DMP messing with us like she really likes to do…

Sasori: -walks in- What's with all the noise?

DMP: Yeah, seriously. We were kind of trying to watch something.

Kisame: Stop messing with us, DMP.

DMP: What?

Itachi: She's up here. Something's down there…

Kisame: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Hidan: ZOMG!

Hyper: I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!

Deidara: AH! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, YEAH!

Sasori: -stares at them, dumbfounded-

DMP: -sigh- I'll go down there.

Itachi: No, don't do it! You'll _die_!

DMP: -stares at him blankly before pushing them all out of the way and going down the stairs-

Sasori: You want me to come?

DMP: Nah, I'm fine.

Sasori: Alright.

DMP: -walks down there and suddenly acquires a flashlight that she uses to look around, neglecting to turn on the light to add to the drama-

Deidara: -whimpers pathetically-

Hyper: Jesus, you're such a baby, Dei.

Deidara: Huh?

Hyper: I don't know why I liked you so much. You're just weird. But…Hidan's hot.

Hidan: I am?

Hyper: He's a man.

Hidan: :D

Hyper: -grabs him by the collar and kisses him-

Deidara: UWAAA! Hyper!!!

Hidan: Wow, I like her…

DMP: ZOMG!!!

Sasori: -jumps slightly- DMP?!

DMP: -screams-

Itachi: SHE'S DYING! SOMEONE GO SAVE HER!

Sasori: -jumps over the side and lands carefully on one of the steps; runs into the basement. The flashlight rolls to face him and he's illuminated by the light. He picks it up and shines it around. Seeing something oddly shaped, he shines it over to the wall next to him and sees a body with a pool of blood coming from it- Oh my god…

DMP: -taps his shoulder- Sasori?

Sasori: OMG!! –screams bloody freaking murder-

DMP: Shhh! It's almost time…

Sasori: Okay…Jesus. Don't scare me so bad.

DMP: Pick me up bridal style and make sure not to hit your head. –walks over and takes some of the blood, smearing it over her face and shirt-

Sasori: What is that stuff?

DMP: Hm? –looks down where Sasori's shining the light- I don't know. Looks pretty real, though, huh? –grins at him-

Sasori: Uh…Yeah. Well. Come here.

DMP: -walks over to him and he picks her up bridal style- Hi… -smiles seductively-

Sasori: Hi… -smiles at her- Alright, ready?

DMP: Yep.

Sasori: -starts walking up the stairs-

Kisame: Oh my god…She's dead.

Sasori: I found her lying against a wall with blood all over. –looks up at them with tears in his eyes-

Hyper: _Muahahaha!!_

Deidara: How horrifying, yeah!

DMP: -snaps her head up and grins at them as they all scream- But the scariest part is that you're all on live television!

Hidan: What the _bleep_?!

Sasori: Yeah, if you look just above those doorways, you'll see the cameras. –points at the three doorways-

Hyper: You mean you set us up?

Kakuzu: -walks in with a bunch of men with cameras on their shoulders- No, we did. I was getting tired of Kisame and Hidan pranking me so I thought I'd set you guys up.

And I was tired of DMP torturing me so I set her up, too. Why aren't you in tears?

DMP: You set me up?

Kakuzu: Yeah, sort of.

DMP: Oh, that body in the cellar? I thought that was just to scare the viewers so I didn't really notice it.

Kakuzu: OoO What body?? I put a giant spider in the doorway so it would land on Sasori's head when he walked up!

Sasori: Nothing ever fell on my head…

DMP: You mean this blood all over me is real?!

Hidan: O.O

DMP: -screams-

Everyone: -runs into the cellar and Kakuzu turns on the light. They all see Konan's body up against the wall-

Itachi: -gasping heavily-

Kisame: Oh god…

Pein: -sneaks up behind them, grinning into the camera before tapping DMP on the shoulder casually-

DMP: -spins and screams again when she sees Pein holding a knife with blood all over him-

Everyone else: -spins and looks horrified-

Pein: You've found her…And you've seen me so now…

Hidan: You're going to kill us? God, this is so predictable.

Pein: No. I want you to look at the camera and tell all your viewers that you're all a bunch of pansies. Except you, DMP. I want you to tell them all that you're an evil little _bleep_. Because guess what? You've all been Set Up! –turns to the camera and puts both his thumbs up-

Konan: -sits up and starts laughing hysterically- God, DMP, you scream like a little girl!

DMP: No, I _bleep_ing don't! Are they _bleep_ingediting what I _bleep_ingsay?!

Pein: Ready guys? Just say it.

Everyone except DMP: We're a bunch of pansies!

DMP: And I'm an evil little _bleep._

Everyone: And we've just been Set Up!

* * *

Later…

DMP: -throwing a ball at the wall- _Pein's such an asshole. I can't believe he did that to me on live television. _

Sasori: -walks in quietly- Hey…

DMP: What?

Sasori: You're not too mad are you?

DMP: Why?

Sasori: Because I have something to show you… -extends his hand-

DMP: -hesitates, then drops the ball and takes his hand, letting him pull her to her feet-

Sasori: Close your eyes.

DMP: You'll let me run into shit.

Sasori: Trust me.

DMP: -reluctantly closes her eyes-

Sasori: -leads her into the living room where everyone's standing around and Hidan's holding a camera in one hand (Hyper's hand in the other)- Okay…Open your eyes.

DMP: -opens her eyes and balloons and confetti go flying. She gasps with sparkles in her eyes- Oh my god. What is this?

Konan: It's for being such a good sport. We decided that you may be an evil little bitch and all that but we felt a bit guilty for making you say it on live TV.

Pein: Even though I kept one of the tapes and watch it every time I need cheering up.

Hidan: And, as a plus, all your evilness got Hyper and I together and that makes me oh, so happy!

Hyper: Me too!

Deidara: It makes me sad, yeah… But Pein lets me watch the tape sometimes and then I get really happy! –claps his hands and giggles happily while jumping up and down-

Kakuzu: -side-steps away from him- I'm really, super happy because you made me rich! Everyone thought it was really funny when Pein snuck up behind you and you immediately screamed. I thank-you bunches.

Sasori: See? We all really appreciate you.

DMP: Oooh! Hey, where's Zetsu?

Tobi: Ehm…Well, about that… He went outside and said something about Cupid. He wouldn't really tell Tobi much. By the way, Tobi was watching 'Set Up' and he thought it was really gross when you smeared that blood all over yourself and you didn't know what it was. Don't ever do that again, please.

DMP: Deal. And, because I'm feeling nice, I won't ask anymore about Zetsu. Thanks so, so much, you guys! I might just let up a little. But only a little. I'll at least stop your nightmares, Deidara.

Deidara: What?

Sasori: -clears throat- I'm gunna go get cake. Who wants cake?

Everyone: -raises their hands- ME!

* * *

Outside…

Zetsu: -planting a clay rose and a clay tulip- You'll be happy here with the other flowers, I promise. And no one will harass you or squish you – because if they try, I'll eat them! ^.^ You'll grow up to be really pretty. –points to the rose- You're Jenny. –points to the tulip- And you're Kelly! I'll love you both equally until the day I die, I _promise_!!


	25. Boyfriends, Girlfriends, and Chocolate

**Why So Serious?**

**PG13**

**Boyfriends, Girlfriends, and Chocolate**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Caramelldansen.**

_**A/N: Caramelldansen actually means "Caramel dance" and it's Swedish… At least, the last time I checked it was but the site might not have been that accurate. Also, this is very fast-paced and weird. (Well, technically, so was the last one but now I'm telling you what its all about.) So, this is why I'm doing all this weird crap: I've been with Sasori too long. XD I've been a fan girl of Deidara and Sasori for too long and I just rediscovered Hidan and Kakuzu – also, I've learned more about them. My friend became a Hidan fan girl so she wanted to be switched from Dei to Hidan. That's what the last one was about. And I feel bad for Kakuzu.**_

_**Oh crap. I just went on a rant. I'm gunna stop now to spare you your eyes. I hope you enjoy this next chapter…Even though it's odd and perhaps very disturbing – depending on how you look at this. …Shutting up…**_

_**

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**_

Deidara: I'm getting lonely, yeah…

Sasori: I'm sorry.

Deidara: You're lucky DMP's so loyal, yeah.

Sasori: Are you _kidding_?? She is _not _loyal. She'll kiss any guy if given the chance. –pouts- _**(A/N: I think we has a miscommunication on his end…) **_

Deidara: So why don't you just leave her, yeah?

Sasori: I…I can't.

Deidara: I just worry about you sometimes, yeah… -looks away-

Sasori: -stares at him in surprise for a moment before standing up and going to the stereo-

Deidara: What are you doing?

Sasori: -turns on Caramelldansen and turns to Deidara- Want to dance with me?

Deidara: -grins and jumps up- Sure! –they start dancing-

DMP: -walks in and practically screams- SASORI!!!

Sasori: -stops- OoO DMP! Um…Dei – I mean, Deidara needed some cheering up. I was just…oh…

DMP: And you accuse _me _of cheating?

Sasori: I'm not cheating.

Deidara: -stands there, dumbfounded-

DMP: That's not what it looks like.

Sasori: If I were cheating, I'd do this. –spins to face Deidara; grabs his shoulder, leans in and kisses him-

DMP: OMIGOD!!! TT-TT How could you, you asshole?!

Hyper: -peeks around the corner- Tough luck. –disappears-

Deidara: -looking dizzy after kiss- But he's not cheating, yeah.

Sasori: Nope. Because I just dumped you. –turns and smiles smugly at her-

DMP: -jaw drops- I HATE YOU!! You don't know what you just did! I'll make your life a living hell!! –runs off crying-

Deidara: -smiles- Wow, that was cool, yeah.

Sasori: Well, you made a good point – why _am_ I putting up with her? And besides, I don't want you to get lonely… -smiles-

Deidara: ^_^ You're so nice, yeah!

Sasori: I know. –glances at couch and then back at Deidara. Their eyes meet and they jump on the couch and start making-out; Caramelldansen still playing in the background-

* * *

DMP: -sitting at the counter eating chocolate chips and crying- My life _stinks_!!

Kakuzu: -walks in- Why?

DMP: -gasps and almost chokes on a chocolate chip-

Kakuzu: -runs over and does the Heimlich maneuver on her; he waits for her to catch her breath- Are you okay??

DMP: What? Didn't want my life insurance money?

Kakuzu: You're covered? Damn…Well, are you okay?

DMP: Yeah, except for my broken heart. –sighs and starts eating the chocolate chips again- Sasori kissed Deidara and then dumped me. –starts crying-

Kakuzu: Damn, you just keep getting burned, don't you?

DMP: If you're not going to be nice, leave.

Kakuzu: That's my way of showing sympathy.

DMP: Really?

Kakuzu: Yeah.

DMP: Oh. Sorry.

Kakuzu: Whatever.

DMP: You know what? Go away.

Kakuzu: I'm an S-class criminal trying to be nice! I'm doing my best here!

DMP: Well, you're sending mixed signals and it's pretty damn annoying.

Kakuzu: Let's see if this can be mixed then: I really like you, bitch.

DMP: Yeah, you managed to mix that…

Kakuzu: -glares-

DMP: But I got it this time. So you're serious?

Kakuzu: Yes, very much so.

DMP: -silently stares at chocolate chips-

Kakuzu: What're you thinking?

DMP: I'm thinking that if chocolate can make me this happy, I should eat it more often…

Kakuzu: -chuckles- You know that's expensive, right?

DMP: Yeah… -looks at him and grins- So I won't ask for it a lot.

Kakuzu: Only on special occasions.

DMP: Deal. –leans over and hugs him-

Kakuzu: -surprised, hesitantly hugs back-

DMP: -smiles into him- _I feel really lucky… _I'll try hard.

Kakuzu: Huh?

DMP: I'll try hard not to be a bitch. ^_^

Kakuzu: Oh. Okay. : )


	26. Payback, Dude PT1

**Payback, Dude**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto© or characters thereof. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto.**

_**A/N: So, it has some odd references in here – like how it's almost March, which is a lie – but I wrote this around that time and now that I'm looking at it, I really don't want to go back and make something up. So guess what you guys get to do? That's right, use your imaginations. It's a very useful tool. **_

_**Another thing, I'm going to see if I messed up somewhere – I know I did on another chapter – but I reread this before I put it in a document – which was stupid – so I probably won't have the patience to reread it again. Therefore, there might be mistakes that I won't catch. Bear with me. You're all smart – you can figure this stuff out.**_

_**Alright, and sorry for my absence. Enjoy.**_

_**

* * *

**_DMP: -holding camera in front of her face- Okay, so I'm going to get Pein back for what he did to me on Set Up last week. I am so freaking pissed off and even though he's already apologized and blah, blah, I need to get back at him. I will not let this go. So I've asked my new boyfriend – Kakuzu – and my ex and his new boyfriend – Sasori and Deidara – to help me scare Pein _bleep_less. –turns camera to face them- Say hi, guys.

Kakuzu: Hey.

Sasori and Deidara: -get into the screen with grins- HI!

DMP: -turns the camera back to face her- We're going to have a blast with this. Konan's also in on it but she's out with Pein right now. We've started with Pein's room and moved into the meeting room. By noon today, he will be crying in a little emo corner. Get ready for this Pein. Because I don't go down without a fight.

* * *

Kakuzu: -facing camera- Alright. It's all set up. The lights are set to turn off approximately twenty minutes into the meeting and then flicker back on five minutes after that. The light apparition is going to appear about ten minutes after that, giving everyone who isn't in on this time to calm down only to freak out again.

DMP: -turns camera to face her again- Perfect. And what's up with his room? –turns camera to face him-

Kakuzu: There's a machine that I've attached to his ceiling so that in about thirty minutes, all the lights in his room and the surrounding area will go out. I've set it so that there's five minutes for him to investigate and then an, quote, "apparition" will appear. It will be there for all of a minute before suddenly vanishing. Three minutes later, the lights will all turn back on. Not only should this effectively scare Pein, it'll probably scare Konan too.

DMP: Awesome… -turns camera back to her- We're going to head up to my room. Sasori's going to take the camera…-passes the camera over- …And Kakuzu and I are just going to hang out in there for the thirty minutes. My room is two doors down from Pein's room. Will we be affected?

Kakuzu: No but if we have Deidara in the room as well, he can turn off the lights at the designated time.

DMP: Cool, so Deidara will be turning off the power in my room and now we're going to go set up two cameras in Pein's room before he goes in there. –they walk upstairs and into Pein's room where Kakuzu and Deidara put the cameras up in to opposite corners in the room.-

Deidara: Done. They're on so it's recording us now and it'll record Pein and Konan when they get back in, yeah.

Sasori: -spins- _Bleep._ They're coming up. We've got to get out of here now!

DMP: _Bleep._ –they run out and get to DMP's room moments before Pein and Konan get upstairs.- Hey guys!

Pein: Why do you have a camera, Sasori?

Sasori: Documenting my life. Maybe I can sue you all for abuse…

Konan: Yeah, okay. Good luck with that.

Sasori: -taps the side of the camera- Evidence…

Pein: Humph…-they go into his room-

Sasori: -turns to face them, turning the camera toward him- According to this, we have approximately 19 minutes before the lights will go off. I'm setting my watch to a low beep so I know when the lights have to go out. Are you listening for it, Dei? –turns camera to face the blonde-

Deidara: -nods- Yeah, I've got my ears open.

DMP: Now we wait. Deidara, you have to stay by the light switch but out of sight so if anyone walks down the hall, they can't see you.

Deidara: -nods again-

DMP: Alright. Now Kakuzu and I just get to hang out for…?

Sasori: About ten minutes. Not bad.

Kakuzu: I can't wait to hear the screaming…

DMP: Shh…

* * *

Tobi: -sitting on the floor in his room, staring at the TV screen intently- Wow…They set this up so well. Don't you agree, Zetsu-kun?

Zetsu: -laying on the bed, staring at Tobi- Hmm? Yeah, sure…

Tobi: But, jeez, DMP can really hold a grudge.

Zetsu: Yeah, it's pretty annoying sometimes.

Tobi: Tobi wonders if we'll be able to hear Pein scream if we mute the TV…

Zetsu: Why don't you try it?

Tobi: Okay. –mutes the TV-

* * *

Sasori: -turns the camera to face him- We've got less than five minutes before Pein's room "mysteriously becomes haunted". –smiles and then turns it back to face Kakuzu and DMP-

DMP: Time to talk normally. So…What're you doing for my birthday?

Kakuzu: I don't know yet. I've been thinking about it, actually, but I can't decide.

DMP: Oh…Well, what about you Sasori?

Sasori: I don't know. I didn't even start to think about it.

DMP: It's only been a week since we broke up. Shouldn't you have been thinking about it before?

Sasori: Um…Considering that you're birthday's still two and a half months away, I don't think so.

DMP: Good boyfriends start thinking about it way before!

Sasori: DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE!  
DMP: Humph…-gives him a glare before turning nicely to Kakuzu- But I'll make exceptions this time.

Kakuzu: Good. I wasn't really looking forward to feeling your wrath anyway. I was going to start thinking about it next month. Whatever I do will need some planning.

DMP: Oh…-looks really happy-

Sasori: -his watch beeps and he quickly turns it off as Deidara flicks the lights off- _Bleep._ Damn. I almost didn't get it off.

Pein: What the _bleep _just happened?

DMP: What the crap?

Sasori: Turning on my camera's light…-flicks it on and DMP and Kakuzu are illuminated- Was it necessary to plan this for the night?

DMP: Yes.

Pein: What's going on? –walks in- Why are you still _bleep_ing recording, Sasori?

Sasori: I'm still documenting.

Kakuzu: I don't know what's going on. Our lights just turned off and we were in the middle of talking about something really important.

Pein: _Bleep. _–walks out hurriedly and checks the room next to him- _Bleep. _All the lights are off. –storms back into his room-

Sasori: -turns the camera to face him- We've got less than a minute before the light apparition appears…-turns it back to face the hall and walks down, peeking into Pein's room-

Pein: What?

Sasori: Well…I was wondering -

Pein: WHAT THE _BLEEP_? You saw that, right? That thing right there!

Sasori: What the hell was that?

Pein: I don't know! I wouldn't have asked you if I knew!

Sasori: Sorry! Oh my God…DMP! Kakuzu!

DMP: What?

Kakuzu: What's going on?

Pein: There was something standing right there! –points at the foot of his bed-

Sasori: I _bleep_ing saw it! It was _bleep_ing staring right at me!

Kakuzu: What?

DMP: W…Where's Konan?

Pein: She was on the bed before the thing appeared… -stares at them, frightened-

Sasori: God. This is really weird. You're not messing with us, are you, DMP?

DMP: Why the _bleep _would I do that? I'm not that _bleep_ing smart!

Kakuzu: What if the thing made Konan disappear…?

Pein: -breathing heavily- Would she be okay?

Kakuzu: I'm not sure. Paranormal isn't something I've studied closely.

-Something moves behind DMP, Kakuzu and Sasori-

Pein: Did you see that?

Sasori: -spins and scans the hallway- No…There's nothing there…

DMP: I'm scared! I want the lights to go back on!

-Lights suddenly turn on-

Kakuzu, Pein and Sasori: -all stare at her-

DMP: Great timing…?

_**TO BE CONTINUED…**_

_Tobi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! TOBI WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!_

_DMP: I'LL KNOCK YOUR HEAD THROUGH A WALL IF YOU DON'T SHUT-UP!_

_Tobi: Tobi's a good boy…_


	27. Payback, Dude PT2

**Payback, Dude (PT2)**

(One Hour Later)

Sasori: -has the camera facing him- Alright, the thing that moved behind me, DMP and Kakuzu was actually Deidara running down the hall and dashing down the stairs. It was unplanned and I have already yelled at him for it.

Deidara: I was going to get caught, yeah!

Sasori: I don't care! Anyway, we're on our way to the meeting room where the second apparition will appear. Konan should reappear while the lights are off and if she doesn't, then we know that we've been set up on top of this.

DMP: If she doesn't go through with this, I'm gunna be pissed.

Sasori: -turns the camera to face in front of him- Okay, we're here a bit early to make sure that all the cameras are set up correctly.

Konan: -peeks out of closet- How much time do we have left?

Kakuzu: About five minutes and counting.

Konan: Alright.

Deidara: All the cameras are set up correctly and they're all on now, yeah.

Sasori: -turns the camera back to face him- Now all we do is wait…

* * *

(Five minutes later)

Zetsu and Tobi: -hurry in-

Tobi: Is this going to scare Tobi?

DMP: What?

Zetsu: We've been watching and we want to make sure that it won't freak Tobi out.

Kakuzu: It shouldn't if you've been paying attention to the show.

Tobi: Tobi was.

Itachi: -walks in, looks at all of them and then sits down-

Kisame: -walks in- Any idea what the meeting's about?

Deidara: Not really.

Kisame: Why do you have a camera, Sasori?

Sasori: I'm recording my life in hopes that you will present enough evidence so that I can sue you all for mental and physical abuse.

Kisame: Alright…-sits down-

Hidan: -walks in with hyper attached to his arm-

Hyper: Wooooo! A party! And I'm invited!

Hidan: Um…What's with the camera?

Kisame: He's trying to get enough evidence together so that he can sue us for mental and physical abuse.

Hidan: So if I do this –punches his arm– it's been recorded?

Sasori: Ouch. Yes. You just presented me with more evidence against you. This is the second time you've hit me today, damn it! You'll be the first to end up in jail!

Hidan: Yeah, good luck with that. –he and hyper sit down-

Pein: -walks in and starts looking around the room hurriedly-

Itachi: Something wrong, sir?

Pein: No, no. Just making sure that we're not being watched or something…

Kisame: We haven't before, we won't be now.

Pein: That's not true. –glares at him-

Kisame: -shrinks back- Otay…

Hyper: Where's Konan?

Sasori: Dude, she _bleep_ing disappeared! The lights went off and then Konan vanished. Oh, and we saw a ghost.

Hidan: A ghost? This place is haunted? How cool is that…?

Hyper: FREAKY!

Itachi: Alright then…

DMP: So, Pein, what's the meeting about? We're all _dying _to know. –smiles sweetly-

Pein: -stares at her suspiciously- Okay…The first thing you should know is that Kakuzu's not paying the water bill again so expect to suddenly not have water within the next week. Everyone shower before it goes off.

Everyone: -glares at Kakuzu-

Kakuzu: The rates went up again!

Pein: Second, DMP's been really nice. Something's got to happen soon and it's not going to be awesome, is it?

DMP: It depends on who you ask.

Deidara: If you ask any of us, will it be awesome, yeah?

DMP: No.

Deidara: There you go, sir.

Pein: Third…The ANBU Black OPS are getting pretty suspicious again. So be on your guard when you leave the base, understood?

Everyone: Hai.

Pein: Fourth thing on my list of things, is -

-The lights suddenly flicker off-

Pein: Well, I guess this. I think we have some faulty wiring or something…

Hyper: I DON'T LIKE THE DARK!

Hidan: Don't worry, I'm here.

Hyper: O.o –snuggles into him- Don't let anyone scare me…

Hidan: On it.

Itachi: What a pain.

Sasori: Hang on. -turns on the camera light-

Pein: I guess I'll just go on. Maybe the lights will turn back on soon. So, like I said, the fourth thing is that another holiday is coming up so expect LAM to show up in the next few weeks.

Kisame: What holiday?

Tobi: St. Patrick's Day. It's an American holiday.

Kisame: Oh.

DMP: I is really excited for LAM to come.

Pein: Fifth thing…Jeez, I didn't realize how long this list was…Um, oh, yeah. Tomorrow…-suddenly bursts into tears-

Zetsu: What's wrong, sir?

Pein: Never mind, this one isn't important anymore.

Konan: -sneaks out of the closet, flashing a grin at the camera before going up behind Pein- What's not important anymore, honey?

Pein: -screams like a little girl-

DMP: -falls over laughing-

Pein: Konan! Where have you been? Are you okay?

Konan: It was strange…I saw so many strange people. A lot of them, I'm sure, were already dead. I could see this world and then I could see the Other World…

Hyper: You're joking…right?

Konan: I wish I was. It really freaked me out!

Pein: -holds her close- It's alright now.

DMP: -snickers-

Sasori: Shhh.

Kakuzu: Is that thing still not important?

Pein: Huh. Oh, no it's important again. Tomorrow, Konan wanted to go on a shopping spree so you're all going to have to come with us.

Zetsu: Ugh!

-Lights suddenly flicker back on-

Pein: Damn it…

Hidan: -stands up- I'd like to bring something to everyone's attention.

DMP: Hmm?

Hidan: STOP PRANKING HYPER AND ME BECAUSE WE'RE DATING! IT'S SO _BLEEP_ING ANNOYING! –sits down- I'm good.

Pein: Who's been pranking you?

Hidan: Believe it or not, Deidara and Tobi.

Sasori: Dei…?

Deidara: It's all good, clean fun, yeah.

Pein: Deidara, Tobi. Stop it.

Tobi: Yes, sir.

Deidara: Fine…

Sasori: And I'm telling you to stop because my dominant side is coming out and I'm feeling pretty possessive. I don't like the fact that you've been hanging around other guys – and technically hyper.

Deidara: At least you know that it's your dominant side that's causing you to be possessive, yeah.

Hyper: Jeez, you guys are all so weird.

Kakuzu: And you're not?

Pein: Um…You're all freaks. End of conversation.

Sasori: More mental abuse. You guys aren't doing yourselves any favors…

-Suddenly a transparent figure appears on the table-

Itachi: When did we poof into Star Wars©?

DMP: Can't you tell a ghost from that one chicky?

Kakuzu: Princess Leah?

DMP: How do you remember that?

Kakuzu: I'm a geek…

Hyper: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! A GHOST!

Konan: My ears…

Ghost: You…aren't welcome…any longer…

DMP: HOLY _BLEEP_ING _BLEEP_!

Sasori: Calm down…

Ghost: Get out…PEIN.

Pein: What the _bleep _did I do?

Deidara: It just doesn't like you for some reason, yeah.

Itachi: You guys seem all too calm. Especially you, DMP, who's extremely afraid of ghosts.

DMP: That's because…

Hidan: Uh-oh…

DMP: You've all – except Tobi and Zetsu who were watching this and Sasori, Deidara, and Kakuzu who helped me accomplish this – been Pranked!

Ghost: -laughs before disappearing-

Kakuzu: Its little speech was something I put in at the last minute.

DMP: Warn me before you do that. It scared me.

Kakuzu: Sorry. I didn't mean for it to. Next time I will, promise.

Pein: Why the hell did you do that?

DMP: I was getting you back for that episode of Set Up last week. Oh, and you're on live TV. –smiles pleasantly-

Pein: -looks at Sasori- So you're not really documenting us?

Sasori: Well…I wasn't. But now that I think about it, it still works.

Deidara: 'Sori-kun!

Sasori: Fine. I won't actually report it. It was just an excuse to cover up the fact that I'm recording you for live TV.

Pein: -turns to Konan- And you're disappearance…?

Konan: It was all part of the show. DMP asked me to scare you. Well, actually, she was originally going to scare me, too. But I figured her out and she threatened to set me up another time if I didn't help her out. Sorry, babe.

Pein: And you and Zetsu were watching, Tobi?

Tobi: Well, Tobi was but Zetsu got into it at one point. It was pretty cool to listen to how they got it all set up.

Kisame: You're all assholes!

Itachi: Yeah.

Hidan: I can think of something worse to call them but they're censoring us, aren't you?

DMP: Yep.

Hyper: You will regret this… -glares at DMP-

DMP: And you'll regret whatever you do to me.

Hidan: And you'll regret whatever you do to her after she does whatever to you.

DMP: So you'll regret that, too.

Hidan/Hyper: Touché…

Pein: Gosh, that scared the crap outta me. Don't ever do that again or you'll be kicked out of Akatsuki!

Itachi/Kisame/Zetsu/Sasori: SHE'S _ACTUALLY_ IN AKATSUKI?

Pein: Yeah…

Sasori: Why didn't you ever tell me?

DMP: Because you kept stuff from me.

Sasori: I did not!

DMP: …What about your secret love for Deidara? That kiss was not just some spontaneous act of betrayal! You loved him for awhile.

Deidara: Really? That's kind of cool, yeah…

Kakuzu: -sigh- If you don't get over Sasori soon, this will be the last time you see me by your side.

DMP: Otay, sorry.

Sasori: -turns camera to face him- And that concludes this very strange and perhaps disturbing episode of Pranked. Back to you, Amine. –turns off camera- I wonder how many viewers they lost watching this episode…

Tobi: Probably a lot. Hey, Tobi's hungry. Anyone else want food?

Zetsu: Yeah, I could go for some FISH right about now.

DMP: Are the cameras in the room still on?

Kakuzu: _Bleep. _–scrambles up and turns off the two cameras- Now they're not.

Kisame: What did you say, Zetsu?

Zetsu: I said that I was in the mood for some FISH right about now.

Kisame: That's IT! –lunges across the table in attempt to strangle him-

Tobi: -steps in front of Zetsu- Don't touch him. If you lay one finger on him, I will personally see to it that you will be a _normal _man.

Kisame: -visibly pales as he slips back into his seat- Sorry…

Tobi: Tobi's a good boy!

DMP: -stares at him, horrified, before jumping up and racing from the room-

Kakuzu: I guess she didn't really figure out that Tobi has three people in him, huh?

Sasori: I purposefully skipped that little tidbit.

Hyper: So why'd you tell me, Deidara?

Deidara: Because I didn't want you to get ripped apart by Tobi if Madara ever came out.

Everyone but Kakuzu, Hyper, Deidara, Sasori and Tobi: Madara?

Sasori: Um…Yeah.

Kakuzu: The three people inside him are Tobi, Madara and Obito. But you rarely get to hear from Obito. They keep him quiet, usually.

Tobi: Awww…You guys are no fun at all.

Kakuzu: Now I must go find DMP.

Pein: Everyone but Konan – OUT!

Everyone but Konan: -scrambles to get away-

Pein: I hate my life.

Konan: I know. So do I.

Pein: -gives her an odd look-

-END EPISODE-

_Tobi: Wow. That was pretty cool. Tobi totally didn't see that coming. He thought for sure that someone was suddenly going to give it away._

_DMP: I actually considered that._

_Kakuzu: Really?_

_DMP: Yeah. _

_Sasori: Maybe you should give your reviewers an alternate ending?_

_DMP: You know…That's not a bad idea. Alright, here you go peeps. Here's the alternate ending and you can decide which you liked better._

_Tobi: YAY! More stuff!_

~ALTERNATE ENDING~

Konan: I wish I was. It really freaked me out!

Pein: -holds her close- It's alright now.

DMP: -snickers-

Sasori: Shhh.

Hidan: Hey, Leader?

Leader: What?

Hidan: I don't think the lighting has anything to do with the wiring of the base.

Kakuzu: Shut-up, Hidan…

Hidan: Make me. I think it has something more to do with DMP, her new – asshole – boyfriend, her ex and his – idiot – boyfriend.

Deidara: I AM NOT AN IDIOT, YEAH!

Pein: What are you suggesting, Hidan?

Kakuzu: Just shut-up before I make you shut-up, Hidan!

Hidan: I think… that-DMP,-Kakuzu,-Deidara,-and-Sasori-all-set-you-up-and-this-is-just-one-big,-elaborate-prank-in-attempts-to-scare-you-and-get-back-at-you-for-what-you-did-to-DMP-on-Set-Up-last-week.

Pein: What?

Hyper: Let me translate for you: I think that DMP, Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori all set you up and this is just one big, elaborate prank in attempts to scare you and get back at you for what you did to DMP on Set Up last week.

Pein: Alright then.

DMP: Well, his thoughts are way off…

Pein: No, I think it's right. That would explain why Sasori has a camera perfectly and why the lights keep going off. Also why the ghost appeared in my room and Kakuzu seemed so calm. But…Why did Konan disappear?

Konan: I was actually in on it.

DMP: DAMN!

Konan: She threatened me with setting me up later if I didn't help out. Sorry, baby.

Pein: I forgive you. But, DMP, one more stupid stunt like this and you're out of Akatsuki!

DMP: Yes, sir…

Pein: Everyone except Konan – GET OUT! I have some contemplating to do…

Kakuzu: Have fun with that, sir.

Sasori: Better find those cameras we set up and turn them off. –turns camera to face him- Thanks for watching, everyone! Back to you, Amine! –turns off camera- Later, Leader.

Everyone but Pein and Konan: -leave-

Pein: Gosh, they're so stupid.

Konan: I know…

~END ALTERNATE ENDING~

_Sasori: That was almost as bad as the first ending._

_DMP: I know. TT_TT_

_Tobi: Tobi liked it! Especially what Hidan said and how hyper had to translate. Ha-ha._

_Kakuzu: Should we end the episode now?_

_DMP: Sure. Sasori, will you please do the disclaimer?_

_Sasori: Fine. DMP doesn't own Naruto or any other references. The only thing she owns is herself. Oh, wait, I think I actually own that now…_

_DMP: GAH! -horrified and blushing-_

_Kakuzu: DIE, YOU ASSHOLE!_

_Sasori: :D –runs away- MWAHAHAHA! __NO ONE OWNS ANYTHING ANYMORE!_

_Hyper: He makes a good point. How do we know that we own ourselves?_

_DMP: -stares at her blankly for a moment before turning and walking away, bored-_

_Hidan: IT'S THE MYSTERIES OF LIFE! YOU CAN'T DENY IT! –starts swinging his scythe around maniacally- _

_Hyper: EEP! He's thinking again…! –runs away-_


End file.
